It’s 3:30 am and I can’t sleep. I know it eludes me because Father’s Day is rolling around this weekend. I feel a sense of dread as it’s the first one officially without my father. He passed away in the fall from dementia. Rationally I know my father has not been the normal dad I knew for many years because of the dementia. However, his loss has been crazy difficult in that now he is officially gone.
As I write this I’m not really sure where this blog post will take me as the grief journey has been difficult to say the least for me and I’m a counselor, which I find myself constantly asking myself “Shouldn’t I know how to cope with this shit effectively?”
Well who knows??? I’m trying the best I can. When you are actually sitting in your own grief it is soooo different that actually helping others process their own losses. I find myself going through the stages of grief backwards, forwards and upside down. I cry, I feel depressed and then I realize too that my dad is not suffering from dementia any longer which makes me feel better.
I guess the point of the story is I know there are a lot of people out there that are feeling the same way….lost and not sure what to do and I wanted to encourage you to know that
- You are not alone (losing a parent blows no matter how you look at it)
- You’re not crazy because it’s hard
- Everyone does do the whole grief thing differently so do what works for you
Here are 3 ways I have found that have been helpful and yes, even at the wee hours of this morning 😉
- One Day at a Time/One Moment at a Time
Which I might add some days can feel a lot harder than others. Just stay in the moment, if you feel sad, feel sad; if you feel angry, feel angry. Focus on staying in the moment and realize emotions change constantly. I find when I do this and take it moment by moment. Yes I cry for a little bit but then get back up and continue to fight on because you know what I know deep down my dad would not want me sitting around crying about losing him all day. I’m a parent and I would not want my children to do that either. Just viewing it this way helps me a lot. It must be my inner junkyard dog, that tells me enough….keep moving sister….you’re going to be just fine and dad is watching over you and smiling.
- Be Proud of Yourself
To me sometimes it’s the small things that make me focus on being proud of myself because it is difficult not being able to share successes with him. After all my dad was my home grown cheering section. I always felt that I really never did anything too wrong or bad in his eyes and he always had sound advice if I had a problem.
Being proud of myself is hard at this time because it’s been so emotional. However I look at it or rationalize it or spin it this way to myself “You are dealing with losing dad. You are not a drunk mess and you are feeling emotions head on. You are working and doing what you love to do and you are trying hard to move forward and crush those goals”. When I look at the achievements even small ones without my dad here, I know that he would be proud of me and that makes me proud of myself. Sad, yes but proud all the same.
- Talk to Yourself…..Out Loud
I know you’re like WTF???? What kind of counselor is she???? Well not one that’s regurgitating psycho-babble. I’m pretty down to earth as well as a wee bit eclectic in my views. I have always gleamed a little bit of info here and a little bit there from different psychological theories to form my rationale behind human behavior and what seems to work. Yes, experts, I believe there is not just one way to cope with emotions.
The way I look at It is like this…..talking to yourself is not really a problem unless of course a different voice is answering you back. Do what it takes to makes yourself feel better which to me equals all the better. Loss is difficult, and you know what if you talk to yourself and it helps so be it. I talk to myself or my father sometimes because I believe he is watching over me. I don’t hold a conversation with him but I find myself sometimes saying what he would have said.
For example, recently I was doting over my dog and immediately dad’s voice came to my mind. I found myself fondly saying to the dog “Oh Cindy, you and your little furry friends”😉 with a smile. My dad would say that to me because he knew I love animals. Yes, I’m a totally crazy dog mom. You know remembering/saying that out loud made me feel better. My advice do what works.
This whole grief thing….. it’s hard, it sucks and it can make holidays just truly blow but you can manage through it. Create a plan and take it easy on yourself. Handling our emotional self is not for the faint of heart, it can be hard.
As for me and my Father’s Day plan, I am going to take some self-care time that day which translates into cry a bit, nap a bit, watch some funny Prime probably the show, Psych (I love Shawn and Gus….so silly) and snack on some favs maybe garbage nachos you know the good kind with all bunches of cheese, sour cream, guac and just loaded with high calorie goodness…Mmmmmm… I deserve it.
I truly hope this post helps someone who may feel lost with regards to doing Father’s Day without your dad. Know that you are not alone. This Daddy’s Girl totally gets it and please just focus on self care that day. Leave your comments below on how you intend to take good care of yourself this Father’s Day.
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