This article is for anyone early in recovery and possibly slipped up yesterday. Today is the day after Christmas and I really felt strongly to discuss this topic because anyone who has relapsed/slipped up or made a totally BIG mistake in life, totally knows the shame it involves the following day and you know what no matter how you slice it, SHAME SUCKS!!!!
So to get down to basics, I don’t really feel like I need to define shame because anyone who has felt that bad feeling kinda already gets it. It is the worst feeling imaginable. It’s that kind of feeling in which you are feeling super embarrassed over your behavior and worse don’t even understand why the behavior occurred or that you are not as good as anyone else.
Examples of behavior that induces feelings of shame that come to mind are like
- Sleeping with a one night stand because you went to a bar and met somebody and you were feeling lonely or thinking no one loves you
- Sneaking or having “just one” drink, pill or blunt feeling no one will know you’re drunk or high (and unfortunately guess what…they totally do….)
- Perhaps spending too much money when you know you can’t pay your electric bill but hey, that family member needs the latest and greatest cool new tech thingamabob or they won’t love me or think I’m successful if I don’t get it for them.
Those examples I know harsh but I’m thinking totally realistic and guess what as a straight shooter and former shame-based thinker and totally not into or liking psychobabble fluff (big words that no one understands) figure that’s easier to understand.
When you look at those examples you can see other things were going on (loneliness, wanting to fit in or needing approval from others as well as validating life success).
So how do you change that, so you don’t have to feel like that. It’s called good ole’ introspection/self-discovery my friend and it’s kind of hard work. Ugggghhhhh who wants that? I know but until it’s looked at and discovered why you do the things that you do, it will stay the same and you don’t want that.
Also nothing of value comes without hard work (my grandpa told me that 🙂 ).
Without having to commit to years and years of psychotherapy here are some quick ways to help identify and minimize shame-based behaviors/attitudes and thinking. Examine the last big mistake and look at what was going on before it occurred. Look at your thoughts, what was your mood like?
Make a list of 3 top negative thoughts you want to change that goes through your head when these behaviors typically occur (pick the ones that you know that typically play on repeat…. )
Once you have those written down, challenge those thoughts. I’ll list some examples of how I would challenge the thoughts
I’ll list some examples of how I would challenge the thoughts
- Thought: “I feel lonely and can probably find someone here at the bar.”
Rational challenge thought– “Seriously can a healthy relationship happen from a bar when both people are drunk?”
- Thought: “I can just have one drink it’s the holidays”
Rational challenge thought – “Play the tape out 1 drink leads to 8 drinks which leads to doing dumb shit.” (Ok total pass for me, tried the “only 1 drink” approach too many times and it doesn’t work 😉 )
- Thought: “They really want that Xbox and I want to be a good mom.”
Rational challenge thought– “If I buy the new Xbox, I can’t pay the electric bill and then they can’t play the Xbox because it won’t work without the electricity.”
The key to challenging this stuff is get ahead of it. If you know that your family/friends are going to have a bunch of booze, pills, weed, judgements, plan ahead. When it occurs, use refusal skills such as “I don’t drink.”, “I’m taking other medications” or if it’s an offhand rude comment, mentally say “Ignore it. They are being insecure because people that judge others are insecure people.”
I know this is like a quick fix band aid and won’t cure the shame ailment completely, but I can promise you if you work on it a little bit at a time, it will get better and it does get better. You start making better choices, which equals better actions and creates more inner strength which works on getting shame-based thinking to the curb.
Well I hope this quick article helps someone out there who may be struggling with feeling bad during the holidays. I understand and have been there so that’s why I know these strategies work. I’ve tried them and have succeeded at staying sober and sane which is my holiday wish for you. If you try them and they don’t then perhaps seeking the advice of a mental health professional may be appropriate.
Please comment below if you have any questions or ways you beat those crappy shame feelings when they come up.
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