There are tips below to Beat Holiday Anxiety & Stay Sober When Around Toxic Family Members
The holiday season is meant to be a time of happiness, love, and laughter. But what if you have a tough time when you’re around family members who make you feel anxious or unhappy? Don’t worry – you can learn how to manage your anxiety and stay strong during the holidays. Here are some simple tips to help you enjoy the season without feeling overwhelmed.
Take Deep Breaths: When you start to feel anxious, remember to take slow, deep breaths. This can help you calm down and think more clearly. Try counting to four as you breathe in, and then count to four as you breathe out.
Stay Positive: Focus on the good things about the holidays. It could be the delicious food, the pretty decorations, or the joy of gift-giving. Try to find something positive to think about, even when you’re around tough family members.
Set Boundaries: It’s important to know your limits. If a conversation is making you uncomfortable, politely excuse yourself or change the subject. You have the right to protect your feelings.
Find a Support System: Talk to a friend or someone you trust about your feelings. Sometimes, sharing your worries with someone who cares can make you feel better. You can also find a 12 Step meeting to attend. They are everywhere & many offer 24 hour meetings during the holidays like on Thanksgiving, Christmas Day or New Years Day.
Practice Relaxation: Find ways to relax. You could try yoga, meditation, or even listening to calming music. Doing something you enjoy can help you unwind.
Have Fun Distractions: Go for a walk outside or to the store shopping or just looking around. This can be a great way to take your mind off any stress. Don’t be afraid to take a break if you need one.
Remember, it’s okay to feel anxious or upset during the holidays, especially when you’re around difficult family members. But with these tips, you can reduce your anxiety and stay strong. The holidays should be a time for joy and love, and by taking care of yourself, you can make sure that’s what you experience.
The new shop will have all things recovery from substance abuse, depression, anxiety codependency & toxic relationships.
I am so excited to share about the new Positive Directions Recovery Shop. I created this shop on Etsy to help people who may be struggling in recovery and want a way to independently work on themselves in between sessions or even if they are not in counseling presently.
I created Recovery Journey Workbooks that are instant digital downloads. I priced them within everyone’s price range so if you cannot afford therapy or do not have insurance, you’ll still be able to work on your recovery.
The Recovery Journey Workbooks are an easy to read format with worksheets to help you learn the skills to put into place to free yourself from negative mindsets that can increase your risk of relapse. Plus each workbook has lots of fun bonuses as well (but I’m not going to spoil the surprise for you but they are awesome) I just uploaded another workbook last night which is new and about learning to cope with Toxic Relationships.
Other fun finds are some coffee mugs I created. Who doesn’t love a great coffee mug? I know I do. Here’s my favorite 🙂
Being a Sober Mom is My Superpower (my fav)
So check out the shop by clicking the button below.
Toxic relationships can be found everywhere in daily life…at the office and unfortunately sometimes in our homes. Most of the time these type of people ruin our mood and day.
Toxic by its very definition means poisonous. Since I assume you are smart enough not to just have a cup of poison with your breakfast since you are here reading this blog post why would it be ok to be around a “friend” or family member who is toxic for your mind?
According to a survey conducted by Today.com and Self magazine of 22,000 people, 1 in 3 people had a toxic friend or toxic relationships in their life¹. Whoa now that is a lot of people struggling with unhealthy relationships. Being around toxic people increases feelings of depression, anxiety and emotional exhaustion.
In this post, I would like to discuss how to spot these toxic people so you can identify them in your own life and then how to avoid them or limit your exposure to them so you can improve your mood.
Toxic people or toxic relationships look like this:
The toxic person is always talking about themselves and their latest drama
The unhealthy person is always the victim of something/the ultimate pessimist
Toxic people are manipulative and judgmental
They are inconsistent, disrespectful and embarrassing at times
They never apologize for their actions (it’s always someone else’s fault)
An unhealthy person will make you feel like defending yourself
They are exhausting to be around (when you leave them you are extremely mentally over it)
Toxic people are not caring and selfish.
They lack empathy.
Here’s a great infographic I found of the various types of toxic people which I must say is spot on. Don’t you think so as well.
Look at your own life and I’m pretty sure you can come up with a name or 2 of people in your life that may not be very healthy to be around. The problem also can be compounded if these toxic people are family members.
I’m a counselor and as for myself I have never met a totally functional family. To be honest, all families even my own have some type of dysfunction. So don’t worry if some of the big offenders are from the family list.
Listen by minimizing how much time you spend with these energy vampires each day, you will feel less depressed, less anxious, better about yourself and more confident. It’s a total win.
So how do you cope with these people that you have identified and what about the ones you can’t totally avoid, what do you do with that?
Set healthy boundaries & limit contact with them
Put your own mental health as the priority & let them go to voicemail
Decide to let go of things outside of your control (other people’s bad behavior for instance)
Trust your intuition (if something seems off with the person then it is)
Create a cheat sheet/list of excuses why you can’t chat with them right now or visit
Work on improving your self esteem & confidence by talking with a counselor
Incorporate more self-care into your week (will increase strength to deal with these types of people)
Once you start making yourself the priority in your own life, you will feel more empowered. Your mood will be less depressed and anxious. You will not find yourself constantly self-medicating the emotional overwhelm with food, drugs, shopping and alcohol. You won’t feel so over it and checked out of your own life. It’s important for your mental health to look at this issue.
Also if you are anxious about losing these folks from your life, let me assure you there are plenty of supportive healthy individuals out there. Setting healthy boundaries is all about finding the healthy people because they will show you respect, love and kindness which is what life is supposed to be about.
So if you should have some toxic people in your life, no worries, we have all been there but it’s about making yourself the priority & find the healthy supportive friends.
Updated 10/24/20: if you would like to help yourself learn how to cope with toxic relationships & build your confidence check out the new Recovery Journey Workbook – Toxic Relationships. It’s a digital download so you get it immediately. Click here to go to the workbook.
This workbook is priced at $7.99 to help people from any budget. Click the here to go to the Toxic Relationship Workbook
If you have any questions or comments, please leave them below. I would love to chat about this.
Codependency is a well-known term used in the mental health
arena. It is defined as a pattern of
dependency of habitual actions based on the approval of others in an effort to
find a sense of self-worth, validation, protection and personal identity.
Codependency can be complicated in that one may not be aware
of it or if they are, in denial about the extent of the issue. This can negatively affect a recovery as one
is not making themselves a priority which in recovery is paramount to healing
and moving forward.
Here are signs that codependency is negatively effecting your recovery.
Trying to “Fix” or Help Others
As an addiction counselor, I meet many people that are involved in relationships in which they are the care takers and trying to help or change other people’s behaviors/values/attitudes. They minimize these issues and want to “fix” the other person. This is impossible as the only person who can elicit a change is the person who is changing themselves. If the other person who is displaying unacceptable behaviors is not willing to address those behaviors, then it is outside of your control.
2. Difficulty Saying No
Have you ever been asked to do
something for someone else and your gut or thoughts are saying no but you go
ahead and do it anyways? This is an
example when people do not have strong healthy boundaries. It’s hard to say no to others especially if
you want to please others but realistically in recovery you must focus on
yourself and listen to your intuition.
If it appears like the request should be a “no”, then it more than
likely should be a “no.”
If the other person gets upset, which typically they will at first when you start setting healthy boundaries, stick to your principles and they will respect you for that later. If they don’t then they are a manipulator and it’s time to cut ties with that person because they will at some point increase your risk of relapse.
3. Believe Self-Care is Selfish
This one is tough for people new to
recovery because they truly have been led to believe that it is selfish to put themselves
first. Don’t believe the lies. The people that have told you that you are the
selfish ones and the manipulators in your life.
Self-care is mandatory and essential to a strong recovery. For years during your addiction, you did not take care of yourself. Remember if your mind, body and soul are not healthy it is easier to relapse down that slippery slope whether that be substances or mental health issues.
4. Feel Bad Asking for Help
Recovery from anything is not for the faint at heart. It’s hard and no one knows more than me, but you have to dig deep and ask for help. There are professionals as well as support groups that can help you along the way. (check out the resources page for free support groups) It’s ok to ask for help when you need it. We all need help from others from time to time that is part of being human.
5. Feel Uncomfortable Talking to People in Authority
This comes back to effective
communication and confidence. People in
places of authority whether it be the legal system, physicians or even the
family matriarch will respect you if you communicate your wants and needs
effectively. Acknowledge the uncomfortable
feeling and remind yourself that everyone is a person like you or me. We all put our pants on the same way.
Building confidence takes one step at a time but you have to practice it even if you do not feel confident at the time. Authority figures can intimidate anyone but typically relationships boil down to respect. In that I mean if you show respect to someone else they typically will mirror that back to you. If they don’t, that’s ok it just shows they have work to do on themselves.
6. Not Liking Being Alone
In recovery, you need to develop
the skill of being alone at times as that is where real personal growth
occurs. It’s an exciting time
actually. When you are alone, it’s a
break from the world where you can dream, set goals for whatever you would like
and not have to worry about anyone else’s comments or opinions.
It’s truly a blessing to like being with yourself because there is nothing worse than be in a crowded room around others and feeling alone. If you are in recovery, I know you know that feeling. Embrace alone time and use it to journal and plan your exciting future of being alcohol and drug free or even toxic relationship free. Alone time is really a blessing and not a curse.
7. Can’t Leave a Relationship Even If It’s Unhealthy
I saved this one for last on the
list because I figure if you have read down to number 7 it’s about that time to
discuss the number one reason people relapse and that is inability to manage
stress which is mostly caused by dysfunctional relationships.
Most of these relationships have
been in your life for some time maybe even years. However, in the essence of self-preservation
because recovery is about saving your life (physical and mental health), one
must examine their personal and sometimes professional relationships.
If the relationship is unhealthy, you already know that, and it can be scary to leave the known whether bad for you or not and go into the unknown. Change is scary at times.
Codependency Recovery
With that being said, to be successful in recovery, unhealthy relationships need to leave your life or at the very least have very minimal contact in your life. At times, we outgrow people we know or are in a relationship with and that is ok. Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season not a lifetime.
There are other signs of codependency that have not been discussed in this article. However, I chose to discuss the ones that I see most frequently in my counseling practice.
If you recognize these signs in your own life, it would be my recommendation to pursue counseling to identify strategies that you can utilize to help you move away of a life of codependency and into a peaceful life of independence. You have been a prisoner too long to this.
Being able to clearly identify these negative actions or mindsets will help you to be able to increase your sense of self-worth and move forward to freedom and peace which is what everyone truly deserves.
Negative mindset, negative thoughts, fears, low self-esteem…. They all suck and have been clinically proven to increase feelings of depression, anxiety, anger, irritability and the so much more negative stuff. Totally and completely draining and depressing.
Are you over it? Those thoughts that your life can’t change for the better and be peaceful, happy and well just satisfying.
Well if you are…. I decided to dedicate a blog post as a sort of round up of my 5 most popular blog posts (by page views) that help you change the negative stuff into more positive stuff which in turns makes one truly happier 😊 (I’ve tried these and they work for me so my wish is they work for you too )
So those are the top 5 blog posts I have written about how to change negative mindsets to pursue a peaceful life which in turn will cause negative feelings to go away and the positive ones will enter. These posts will help you reduce feelings of depression and anxiety
So leave a comment below about which is your fav or how you go about changing a negative mindset into a positive one? Sooooo till next time…………
Stopping a relapse basically comes down to mindfully watching what is going on in your life
Addiction to substances, food, people or behaviors can be a tricky thing to overcome. Ask anyone in recovery. Relapse is a natural part of recovering from an addiction or mental health issue but there are some things that you can do to minimize your risk for relapse and it’s not hard to learn.
Watch Your Stress Levels
As you know when stress increases or life becomes unbalanced
it may be difficult to manage cravings or urges to use. In the field, we often tell people to ride
the urge out. Urges and cravings do not
last long (minutes) and distraction is the key to overcoming them. However, if you are feeling very stressed out
due to relationship, career or just general life difficulties it will be hard
to not go with the craving.
Effective coping with stress is the way to minimize the risk of relapse. So you have to get really good at looking at your life. There are key signs to people that are over stressed which are increased irritability, difficulties sleeping (not enough or too much), not eating or eating too much and/or a general “life sucks” attitude. If you find that you have fallen victim to any of these, using good self-care and putting in healthy boundaries in your life can help.
About Change
I know easier said than done but a really wise 12 stepper once said, “nothing changes if nothing changes” and really they hit that nail on the head. If you do not change anything, nothing in your life will change.
And here’s where relapse enters the picture, at some point your ineffective way of coping with increased stress in your life will cause you to make poor choices which will cause more problems in your life and increase your stress. A vicious cycle, right???
We all know typically how drug or alcohol addiction plays out which is unfortunately death, jail or losing a lot of things in your life also known as hitting rock bottom.
Ways to Decrease
Risk of Relapse
Let’s say you have identified yourself as having way too
much stress in your life. So let’s get
into changing that so that you will feel better, happier, more peaceful. If your mind, body and soul are healthy your
relapse risk will decrease as you begin to enjoy your life.
Here is a quick list of things that you may try:
Set healthy boundaries with family, friends and
work
Start eating regularly and healthy
Exercise, meditate or nap
Identify the triggers to your bad mood
Limit contact with people that are triggering a
bad mood or making you more irritable
Go to an AA or NA meeting
Do things you used to like to do (look back
before you starting using drugs or drinking)
Look at the 24 hour period before your last
relapse, what was happening? How were you
feeling? Look closely at these and the
thoughts the feelings generated (remember anger is basically hurt feelings) Consider
how can you cope with that better in the future?
This is just a basic list but seriously managing stress is the number 1 key to relapse prevention. Focusing on self-care is very important.
If you should find difficulty being able to manage stress, seek out a trained professional. Counseling can help you identify the issues and help you devise a strong relapse prevention plan.
This article is for anyone early in recovery and possibly
slipped up yesterday. Today is the day
after Christmas and I really felt strongly to discuss this topic because anyone
who has relapsed/slipped up or made a totally BIG mistake in life, totally
knows the shame it involves the following day and you know what no matter how
you slice it, SHAME SUCKS!!!!
So to get down to basics, I don’t really feel like I need to
define shame because anyone who has felt that bad feeling kinda already gets
it. It is the worst feeling
imaginable. It’s that kind of feeling in
which you are feeling super embarrassed over your behavior and worse don’t even
understand why the behavior occurred or that you are not as good as anyone else.
Examples of behavior that induces feelings of shame that come to mind are like
Sleeping with a one night stand because you went to a bar and met somebody and you were feeling lonely or thinking no one loves you
Sneaking or having “just one” drink, pill or blunt feeling no one will know you’re drunk or high (and unfortunately guess what…they totally do….)
Perhaps spending too much money when you know you can’t pay your electric bill but hey, that family member needs the latest and greatest cool new tech thingamabob or they won’t love me or think I’m successful if I don’t get it for them.
Those examples I know harsh but I’m thinking totally realistic and guess what as a straight shooter and former shame-based thinker and totally not into or liking psychobabble fluff (big words that no one understands) figure that’s easier to understand.
When you look at those examples you can see other things were going on (loneliness, wanting to fit in or needing approval from others as well as validating life success).
So how do you change that, so you don’t have to feel like that. It’s called good ole’ introspection/self-discovery my friend and it’s kind of hard work. Ugggghhhhh who wants that? I know but until it’s looked at and discovered why you do the things that you do, it will stay the same and you don’t want that.
Also nothing of value comes without hard work (my grandpa told me that 🙂 ).
Without having to commit to years and years of psychotherapy here are some quick ways to help identify and minimize shame-based behaviors/attitudes and thinking. Examine the last big mistake and look at what was going on before it occurred. Look at your thoughts, what was your mood like?
Make a list of 3 top negative thoughts you want to change that goes through your head when these behaviors typically occur (pick the ones that you know that typically play on repeat…. )
Once you have those written down, challenge those thoughts. I’ll list some examples of how I would challenge the thoughts
I’ll list some examples of how I would challenge the thoughts
Thought: “I feel lonely and can probably find someone here at the bar.”
Rational challenge thought– “Seriously can a healthy relationship happen from a bar when both people are drunk?”
Thought: “I can just have one drink it’s the holidays”
Rational challenge thought
– “Play the tape out 1 drink leads to 8 drinks which leads to doing dumb shit.”
(Ok total pass for me, tried the “only 1
drink” approach too many times and it doesn’t work 😉
)
Thought: “They really want that Xbox and I want to be
a good mom.”
Rational challenge thought–
“If I buy the new Xbox, I can’t pay the electric bill and then they can’t play
the Xbox because it won’t work without the electricity.”
The key to challenging this stuff is get ahead of it. If you know that your family/friends are going
to have a bunch of booze, pills, weed, judgements, plan ahead. When it occurs, use refusal skills such as “I
don’t drink.”, “I’m taking other medications” or if it’s an offhand rude
comment, mentally say “Ignore it. They are being insecure because people that
judge others are insecure people.”
I know this is like a quick fix band aid and won’t cure the shame ailment completely, but I can promise you if you work on it a little bit at a time, it will get better and it does get better. You start making better choices, which equals better actions and creates more inner strength which works on getting shame-based thinking to the curb.
Well I hope this quick article helps someone out there who may be struggling with feeling bad during the holidays. I understand and have been there so that’s why I know these strategies work. I’ve tried them and have succeeded at staying sober and sane which is my holiday wish for you. If you try them and they don’t then perhaps seeking the advice of a mental health professional may be appropriate.
Please comment below if you have any questions or ways you beat those crappy shame feelings when they come up.
I have unfortunately always been the “nervous type worry wart”☹ as my mother would tell me. I typically worried about this and that, stressed about life in general which did not make me a happy camper by any stretch of the imagination.
I found meditation a little over a year ago and it has been a complete game changer in my life. I wanted to share meditations benefits with you and encourage you to give it a try because it has honestly changed my life and in an awesome way.
Now initially I was like “hmmmmmm no flippin’ way can I clear my ADD brain of swirly whirly thoughts like EVVVVVEEEERRRR”. With A.D.D. (Attention Deficit D/O) I find that at times thoughts can be going high speed and it is difficult to calm down so clearing my mind, to be real- I was a complete doubter.
I thought it was a bunch of hippie (peace-light-love) BS. Oh and BTW if you are into that hippie (peace-light-love) stuff that’s cool but it’s just not my personality probably due to a life time of stress and worry 😉.
So here’s the exciting part of this post, it actually worked and here’s what happened for me:
I was able to relax 😊
I was able to sleep easier and longer (soooo awesome!!!!)
I was able to NOT focus on worries or thoughts that had been bothering me andfeel relaxed
I was able to feel more grounded
And the best part I know I became more pleasantto be around (let’s be real, stressed out = more irritable)
I started small because honestly, I did not want to waste a bunch of time on something that did not work. I was already stressed out and over committed so who has time to waste with meditation/napping as I initially thought. (enter big ole’ eye roll, silly Cindy ha..ha..)
Anyways I found a channel on YouTube that was about everyone has 4 minutes to meditate or something to that effect and I started with that. The instructor was pleasant and did guided meditation which was cool.
Initially I found my mind/thoughts saying to myself during the first one for sure “seriously this doesn’t work it’s stupid. I don’t feel relaxed…” and the list continued in a negative fashion, but I stuck with it. I would do it daily and I found that sitting or laying down relaxing for a few minutes did make me feel calmer and have a better attitude.
Sooooo fast forward a year or 2 and here I am. I now meditate daily. I have downloaded the app, Calm out of the Google Playstore and use that on my phone. I listen if I am particularly having a stressful day or at night to the sleep stories to help fall asleep quicker.
It really does work and if you find yourself a doubter but having issues with anxiety, bad attitude or depression what is the harm in giving it a try for a few days.
I like this for social media posts because it will explain my “MIA” status since I typically try to stay away from FB during this time.
In the end of 2017 & early 2018, I lost both parents, and this is the real first holiday season when I can’t speak to one of them. Thanksgiving and Black Friday just passed which was important to them and grief during the holidays well it’s hard.
My father was one of those 4 am Black Friday wait in the line shoppers, so I fondly remember times when he and my nephew would wait for hours for the best deal on anything tech at the local Best Buy. My mother was a big time Black Friday shopper also. She would always update me on her latest great deals/finds that day.
My parents a few years ago before their deaths. This pic makes me smile and it’s probably because you can see where I found my love of desserts. I truly miss them
Anyways this past weekend has been tough on me, so I figured I would share how I have been able to stay sane and somewhat cope with the overwhelming emotions that this time of year brings to people who are coping with grief and the holidays without resorting to alcohol or drugs. (Booze was my go to thing for a long while & I consider myself lucky to get free from it’s ugly clutches)
Soooooo if you are finding yourself depressed, sad, angry, unable to cope this list is for you 😊
Cry if you have too. It’s better to deal with emotions than bottle them up.
Eat plenty of things you love this time of year when you want it. (I’m thinking pumpkin pie for breakfast with a bunch of cool whip – Yummy & Completely Awesome!!! )
Focus on self-care. If you can’t sleep at night, take a nap during the day. Be kind to yourself because this is very hard.
Watch a funny holiday movie. I’m thinking of Elf. I watched it yesterday and it always brings a smile to my face until the end because it’s touching and then I typically get teary eyed or cry. Damn holiday movies! I totally avoid Hallmark and Lifetime during this season for real.
Avoid people & parties that will have booze, weed or Xanax. It’s just better to bow out before a bad decision is made and you feel guilty or shame about the bad choice after the fact.
Decorate the house or distract yourself with hanging those darn Christmas lights. Untangling the mess will distract you for a bit 😉 they are always tangled or at least mine are.
Buy yourself something nice for Black Friday even something small like new, super soft slippers they are always on sale cheap somewhere.
Ok for those of you that are thinking isn’t she pushing stuffing my emotions with stuff, food and such. Well for me, it works because I have battled with disordered eating most of my life. When I get upset, I typically don’t eat and that’s not good for me (too much weight loss).
So during this time my plan is totally prioritize eating what I like, when I want it as well as some healthy habits like vitamins and such because if I don’t I resort back to the old habits of not eating anything because of overwhelming emotions and the dark spiral of negative thoughts begins.
Also if you are reading this article, people that have issues with substances or eating disorders typically put others first which is nice because of the season of giving but realistically it typically is to the detriment of themselves (codependency).
In other words, you do not focus on yourself being healthy but focus on others to the extreme. With that being said, I focus on me because hey, this is a tough part of the year for me so I will focus on being kind to myself as well as others but the priority is me.
In summary, the main way to make the holiday season go a bit smoother for you is to focus on self-care. It means to make yourself the priority in a healthy way.
If you are struggling with grief and the holidays know that you are totally not alone, I get it unfortunately truly I do. Make a care plan for yourself whatever it may be and leave your comments below on what your plan is to be healthy during this season. Take care of yourself! We will get through this 😊
