Negative Thoughts – Cindy Athey, MS, MCAP, SAP

Toxic Relationships: How to Identify Them

Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Negative Thoughts, Relationships, Self-Care, Substance Abuse / March 10, 2020

learn to identify toxic relationships in your life — Learn how to identify the toxic people in your life here in the new Toxic Relationship Workbook

Toxic relationships can be found everywhere in daily life…at the office and unfortunately sometimes in our homes. Most of the time these type of people ruin our mood and day.

Toxic by its very definition means poisonous. Since I assume you are smart enough not to just have a cup of poison with your breakfast since you are here reading this blog post why would it be ok to be around a “friend” or family member who is toxic for your mind?

According to a survey conducted by Today.com and Self magazine of 22,000 people, 1 in 3 people had a toxic friend or toxic relationships in their life¹. Whoa now that is a lot of people struggling with unhealthy relationships. Being around toxic people increases feelings of depression, anxiety and emotional exhaustion.

In this post, I would like to discuss how to spot these toxic people so you can identify them in your own life and then how to avoid them or limit your exposure to them so you can improve your mood.

Toxic people or toxic relationships look like this:

The toxic person is always talking about themselves and their latest drama
The unhealthy person is always the victim of something/the ultimate pessimist
Toxic people are manipulative and judgmental
They are inconsistent, disrespectful and embarrassing at times
They never apologize for their actions (it’s always someone else’s fault)
An unhealthy person will make you feel like defending yourself
They are exhausting to be around (when you leave them you are extremely mentally over it)
Toxic people are not caring and selfish.
They lack empathy.

Here’s a great infographic I found of the various types of toxic people which I must say is spot on. Don’t you think so as well.

Types of toxic relationships that you may have in your life — Learn how to cope with these folks in the NEW Recovery Journey Workbook – Toxic Relationships

Look at your own life and I’m pretty sure you can come up with a name or 2 of people in your life that may not be very healthy to be around. The problem also can be compounded if these toxic people are family members.

I’m a counselor and as for myself I have never met a totally functional family. To be honest, all families even my own have some type of dysfunction. So don’t worry if some of the big offenders are from the family list.

Listen by minimizing how much time you spend with these energy vampires each day, you will feel less depressed, less anxious, better about yourself and more confident. It’s a total win.

So how do you cope with these people that you have identified and what about the ones you can’t totally avoid, what do you do with that?

Set healthy boundaries & limit contact with them
Put your own mental health as the priority & let them go to voicemail
Decide to let go of things outside of your control (other people’s bad behavior for instance)
Trust your intuition (if something seems off with the person then it is)
Create a cheat sheet/list of excuses why you can’t chat with them right now or visit
Work on improving your self esteem & confidence by talking with a counselor
Incorporate more self-care into your week (will increase strength to deal with these types of people)

Once you start making yourself the priority in your own life, you will feel more empowered. Your mood will be less depressed and anxious. You will not find yourself constantly self-medicating the emotional overwhelm with food, drugs, shopping and alcohol. You won’t feel so over it and checked out of your own life. It’s important for your mental health to look at this issue.

Also if you are anxious about losing these folks from your life, let me assure you there are plenty of supportive healthy individuals out there. Setting healthy boundaries is all about finding the healthy people because they will show you respect, love and kindness which is what life is supposed to be about.

So if you should have some toxic people in your life, no worries, we have all been there but it’s about making yourself the priority & find the healthy supportive friends.

Updated 10/24/20: if you would like to help yourself learn how to cope with toxic relationships & build your confidence check out the new Recovery Journey Workbook – Toxic Relationships. It’s a digital download so you get it immediately. Click here to go to the workbook.

To display the new Recovery Journey - Toxic Relationship workbook in the Etsy shop — This workbook is priced at $7.99 to help people from any budget. Click the here to go to the Toxic Relationship Workbook

If you have any questions or comments, please leave them below. I would love to chat about this.

Also if you would like help learning to set healthy boundaries with toxic people in your life, book your free 15 min recovery strategy call

¹Reference: https://www.today.com/health/toxic-friends-8-10-people-endure-poisonous-pals-1C9413205

Infographic https://www.studypk.com/narcissistic-sociopath-psychopath-different-types-of-toxic-people/

Toxic people will negatively effect your mental health & increase your risk of relapses

To find out more about me, check out my LinkedIn profile

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How to Tell if You Need Better Boundaries

Depression, Happiness, Negative Thoughts, Relapse Prevention, Relationships, Self-Esteem / January 20, 2020

it's important to your mental health to set healthy boundaries — Unhealthy boundaries can increase feelings of depression, anxiety and relapses.

When people don’t set boundaries well with others, it becomes glaringly evident. They start feeling more depressed, miserable and anxious. They feel their life is filled with constant drama & chaos. Situations feel well, suffocating. Typically life is full of chaos because others are not respecting any boundaries which always causes problems and especially with mood.

not setting boundaries can cause mental health issues — Unhealthy boundary signs

If this article has found you are feeling like life sucked any fun or enjoyment out of your day, it may be because of other’s bad behaviors. It becomes evident that healthy boundaries are not being put into place.

What is a boundary

First, let’s talk about what is a boundary and why should you set them. The Webster definition of boundary is sort of complicated. There are different forms of the definition like an actual fence and the type we are going to discuss is the “unofficial rules about what should not be done; limits that define acceptable behavior.”

So healthy boundaries are being able to define acceptable behavior or conduct. Let’s talk about how you can tell if you need better boundaries in your life and then how you can start to change that.

You probably need better boundaries in your life if you feel like:

Relationships with others are exhausting & pretty dramatic
Making decisions is really, really hard for you
If you feel like you don’t feel respected, valued or heard
You worry about what other people think
You feel guilty a lot & even over little things

The benefits of setting boundaries in your life are awesome. You will start to feel better about yourself and your situation. You will have more energy. No more feeling completely drained emotionally & physically after dealing with toxic people. They are energy vampires. You will feel more independent and strong. Total win-win here.

Tips to begin to address changing and setting healthy boundaries in your life

Talking to a counselor may help you discover why you have been accepting bad behaviors from others & where this began (hint: typically, in childhood)
Sitting by yourself identifying core values & beliefs
- (example: treat others how you want to be treated)
Create a journal list of 5 non-negotiable standards of behavior that you will & will not accept from others
Work on feeling more confident and building your self-esteem

BTW as you start putting healthy boundaries or these standards of conduct that you will accept into your life into place, be prepared. The toxic, unhealthy people’s behaviors will get worse before it gets better and they will act out because they are not getting their way. Typically by manipulating, bullying or intimidating you. Think of these behaviors as an adult size temper tantrum because that is what it is.

It’s perfectly ok to stick with your boundaries, your stress will actually decrease. The toxic person is being forced to comply with your boundaries in order to interact with you. Guess what and if they don’t oh well- they will exit your life. Remember you are making them respect you and your boundaries. It’s so truly empowering!

For some help with this

As you can tell, most of the tips to start changing the situation will need some help from a counselor but you know what at least you can identify if you do in fact have an issue with healthy boundary setting and that’s a great start.

If you are still unsure if you have a problem with boundaries, please feel free to reach out to me at (727) 815-6017 or check out book a session if you would like to talk about your situation in a session. I can help you figure out if this is a problem in your life and suggest the next step for you to start to change this.

To learn more about me, check out my LinkedIn profile

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Lions & Tigers & Anxiety – Oh My

Anxiety, Depression, Happiness, Negative Thoughts, Problem Solving, Self-Esteem / September 12, 2019

Lions, tigers and anxiety oh my — Anxiety can truly be a bear at times 🙁

About anxiety

Ugh…. yes it can feel like a bear if we let it. I have never met a person who does not feel anxious from time to time and sometimes anxiety can be unrelenting if you let it.

I find that I meet many people feel crippled because of it. People that are not enjoying their lives. People that are stuck in their homes. They are calling off work, not going to school and basically spending their days miserable.

Also I like to say anxiety typically goes with depression like peanut butter and jelly. PB & J has always been one of my favs 😊 but when we look at anxiety, depression is typically there also.

People that suffer from those mental health issues many times feel like anxiety is never going to go away which increases feelings of depression. The never-ending anxiety/depression hamster wheel going around and around…. Exhausting.

Tip to Alleviate Anxiety

That is why I decided to share my one awesome tip to alleviate anxiety and will reduce feelings of depression. It may not make it go away entirely or immediately but I can pretty much guarantee with practice this skill will help you manage anxiety so it does not keep you stuck.

Also PSA I am not a psychiatrist nor do I play one on tv so this is helpful advice only and does not replace consulting with your medical or mental health provider.

Most Awesome Anxiety Reducing Tip Ever

Find freedom from anxiety — Practice the following anxiety reducing tip and feel the freedom

The most effective tip to reduce anxiety IMHO is not Xanax or Klonopin (although these medications have proven to be helpful but I’m not a medication provider and as an addiction counselor can see how these medications can increase one’s dependency on medications – I’m more a natural approach kind of girl.

Plus some of those medications have side effects that can make you tired and who wants that) So I know you are thinking what do I do then?

It basically boils down to control. People are miserable when they try to control things that are outside of their control. Anxiety and depression for that matter can really ramp up when we try to control things that are outside of our circle of control. Also this can increase the risk of any type of relapse.

Circle of Control

So what types of things am I talking about? Other people’s behaviors, words, attitudes as well as circumstances. For example someone is rude to you, the car breaks down, the kids are sick or there are work policies/procedures that you can’t change.

When you sit and think about why you feel anxious and what is causing it. I can pretty much guarantee it (the worry or thought about the worry) is outside of your control.

Ok so what is inside of your circle of control: your thoughts, behaviors, attitudes and that my friend, is the key to reducing or stopping anxiety all together.

Freedom from anxiety is letting go of things outside of your control — Let go of what is outside of your control

Let’s try some examples:

Situation Example: I’m feeling anxious because I feel I am going to be late to a very important meeting. I live in Fl (land of traffic jams & oh so many red lights 😉 ). I am driving in my car and feel my anxiety creeping up in my chest.

So to manage it, I take a deep breath (a breathe in and count to 3, hold the breath for 3 and breathe out and count to 3 type and talk to myself by saying “Ok am I in control of this traffic? Can I jump over cars to get to the meeting quicker? No of course not. So I guess I will listen to my radio and realize I will get there when I get there.” Next time to alleviate any anxiety, I will plan to leave a bit earlier to account for any possible traffic jams.

Other People Example: I’m feeling anxious because when I am around Dan he makes me feel nervous. To challenge this type of anxiety with another person examine your inner thought life. People get anxious around other people when they do not feel confident in themselves.

Some of the negative thoughts I may have for this example “I’m not as good as Dan. I’m not as smart as Dan. “ To correct this thinking, here is a skill that works. Inner thought: “I’m am the best Cindy I can be. Dan puts his pants on the same way I do. He is no better than me so who cares what he thinks about me. I’m just as good as he is.”

When you examine the situation or your thoughts in this manner you take the pressure off which typically causes anxiety to decrease as well as depression. You are letting go of people’s views or situations that are outside of your control.

Letting it go

It’s all about looking at the situation or the other person logically and not emotionally. Logically can you change traffic or someone else’s thoughts…..Nope so let it go. This skill takes practice and you won’t get it all the time but with time you will see you can manage any anxiety easier and it will leave your body & mind quicker without the use of medication.

You can beat anxiety — Love this quote from the Wizard of Oz ( I used to hang it on my fridge for motivation)

So comment below if you’ve tried this strategy for anxiety. How did it help? What did you do? What was the anxiety about? Also if you are struggling with anxiety or have questions about it, please comment below or email me at cdathey9@gmail.com.

You can also click the link to book a free 15 min recovery journey strategy call

To learn more about me, check out my LinkedIn profile

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Is Codependency Negatively Effecting You

Addiction, Happiness, Negative Thoughts, Relapse Prevention, Relationships, Self-Care / April 15, 2019

Codependency is a well-known term used in the mental health arena. It is defined as a pattern of dependency of habitual actions based on the approval of others in an effort to find a sense of self-worth, validation, protection and personal identity.

Codependency can be complicated in that one may not be aware of it or if they are, in denial about the extent of the issue. This can negatively affect a recovery as one is not making themselves a priority which in recovery is paramount to healing and moving forward.

Here are signs that codependency is negatively effecting your recovery.

Trying to “Fix” or Help Others

As an addiction counselor, I meet many people that are involved in relationships in which they are the care takers and trying to help or change other people’s behaviors/values/attitudes. They minimize these issues and want to “fix” the other person. This is impossible as the only person who can elicit a change is the person who is changing themselves. If the other person who is displaying unacceptable behaviors is not willing to address those behaviors, then it is outside of your control.

2. Difficulty Saying No

Have you ever been asked to do something for someone else and your gut or thoughts are saying no but you go ahead and do it anyways? This is an example when people do not have strong healthy boundaries. It’s hard to say no to others especially if you want to please others but realistically in recovery you must focus on yourself and listen to your intuition. If it appears like the request should be a “no”, then it more than likely should be a “no.”

If the other person gets upset, which typically they will at first when you start setting healthy boundaries, stick to your principles and they will respect you for that later. If they don’t then they are a manipulator and it’s time to cut ties with that person because they will at some point increase your risk of relapse.

3. Believe Self-Care is Selfish

This one is tough for people new to recovery because they truly have been led to believe that it is selfish to put themselves first. Don’t believe the lies. The people that have told you that you are the selfish ones and the manipulators in your life.

Self-care is mandatory and essential to a strong recovery. For years during your addiction, you did not take care of yourself. Remember if your mind, body and soul are not healthy it is easier to relapse down that slippery slope whether that be substances or mental health issues.

4. Feel Bad Asking for Help

Recovery from anything is not for the faint at heart. It’s hard and no one knows more than me, but you have to dig deep and ask for help. There are professionals as well as support groups that can help you along the way. (check out the resources page for free support groups) It’s ok to ask for help when you need it. We all need help from others from time to time that is part of being human.

5. Feel Uncomfortable Talking to People in Authority

This comes back to effective communication and confidence. People in places of authority whether it be the legal system, physicians or even the family matriarch will respect you if you communicate your wants and needs effectively. Acknowledge the uncomfortable feeling and remind yourself that everyone is a person like you or me. We all put our pants on the same way.

Building confidence takes one step at a time but you have to practice it even if you do not feel confident at the time. Authority figures can intimidate anyone but typically relationships boil down to respect. In that I mean if you show respect to someone else they typically will mirror that back to you. If they don’t, that’s ok it just shows they have work to do on themselves.

6. Not Liking Being Alone

In recovery, you need to develop the skill of being alone at times as that is where real personal growth occurs. It’s an exciting time actually. When you are alone, it’s a break from the world where you can dream, set goals for whatever you would like and not have to worry about anyone else’s comments or opinions.

It’s truly a blessing to like being with yourself because there is nothing worse than be in a crowded room around others and feeling alone. If you are in recovery, I know you know that feeling. Embrace alone time and use it to journal and plan your exciting future of being alcohol and drug free or even toxic relationship free. Alone time is really a blessing and not a curse.

7. Can’t Leave a Relationship Even If It’s Unhealthy

I saved this one for last on the list because I figure if you have read down to number 7 it’s about that time to discuss the number one reason people relapse and that is inability to manage stress which is mostly caused by dysfunctional relationships.

Most of these relationships have been in your life for some time maybe even years. However, in the essence of self-preservation because recovery is about saving your life (physical and mental health), one must examine their personal and sometimes professional relationships.

If the relationship is unhealthy, you already know that, and it can be scary to leave the known whether bad for you or not and go into the unknown. Change is scary at times.

Codependency Recovery

With that being said, to be successful in recovery, unhealthy relationships need to leave your life or at the very least have very minimal contact in your life. At times, we outgrow people we know or are in a relationship with and that is ok. Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season not a lifetime.

There are other signs of codependency that have not been discussed in this article. However, I chose to discuss the ones that I see most frequently in my counseling practice.

If you recognize these signs in your own life, it would be my recommendation to pursue counseling to identify strategies that you can utilize to help you move away of a life of codependency and into a peaceful life of independence. You have been a prisoner too long to this.

Being able to clearly identify these negative actions or mindsets will help you to be able to increase your sense of self-worth and move forward to freedom and peace which is what everyone truly deserves.

If you need some help identifying codependency, click this link to schedule your free 15 min recovery journey call

If you want to learn more about me, check out my LinkedIn profile

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End Depression and Anxiety : Top 5 Posts

Anxiety, Depression, Negative Thoughts, Problem Solving, Self-Care, Self-Esteem / March 18, 2019

Negative mindset, negative thoughts, fears, low self-esteem…. They all suck and have been clinically proven to increase feelings of depression, anxiety, anger, irritability and the so much more negative stuff. Totally and completely draining and depressing.

Are you over it? Those thoughts that your life can’t change for the better and be peaceful, happy and well just satisfying.

Well if you are…. I decided to dedicate a blog post as a sort of round up of my 5 most popular blog posts (by page views) that help you change the negative stuff into more positive stuff which in turns makes one truly happier 😊 (I’ve tried these and they work for me so my wish is they work for you too )

So here we go:

Embracing Fears and Eliminating Them from Your Life

Learn to improve your self esteem to reduce depression and anxiety

2. The Biggest Contributor to Low Self-Esteem

3. How to End that Negative Mindset Quickly

4. Absolutely the Best Ways I Have Found to Stay Positive

Best ways to stay positive and end depression

5. Finding Happiness – It’s Not as Impossible as You Think

Happiness can be found easily when you know where to look

So those are the top 5 blog posts I have written about how to change negative mindsets to pursue a peaceful life which in turn will cause negative feelings to go away and the positive ones will enter. These posts will help you reduce feelings of depression and anxiety

So leave a comment below about which is your fav or how you go about changing a negative mindset into a positive one? Sooooo till next time…………

Namaste friends 😊

You can learn more about me on my LinkedIn profile

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Shame Sucks During the Holidays & How to Get Thru It

Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Negative Thoughts, Self-Care / December 26, 2018

This article is for anyone early in recovery and possibly slipped up yesterday. Today is the day after Christmas and I really felt strongly to discuss this topic because anyone who has relapsed/slipped up or made a totally BIG mistake in life, totally knows the shame it involves the following day and you know what no matter how you slice it, SHAME SUCKS!!!!

So to get down to basics, I don’t really feel like I need to define shame because anyone who has felt that bad feeling kinda already gets it. It is the worst feeling imaginable. It’s that kind of feeling in which you are feeling super embarrassed over your behavior and worse don’t even understand why the behavior occurred or that you are not as good as anyone else.

Examples of behavior that induces feelings of shame that come to mind are like

Sleeping with a one night stand because you went to a bar and met somebody and you were feeling lonely or thinking no one loves you
Sneaking or having “just one” drink, pill or blunt feeling no one will know you’re drunk or high (and unfortunately guess what…they totally do….)
Perhaps spending too much money when you know you can’t pay your electric bill but hey, that family member needs the latest and greatest cool new tech thingamabob or they won’t love me or think I’m successful if I don’t get it for them.

Those examples I know harsh but I’m thinking totally realistic and guess what as a straight shooter and former shame-based thinker and totally not into or liking psychobabble fluff (big words that no one understands) figure that’s easier to understand.

When you look at those examples you can see other things were going on (loneliness, wanting to fit in or needing approval from others as well as validating life success).

So how do you change that, so you don’t have to feel like that. It’s called good ole’ introspection/self-discovery my friend and it’s kind of hard work. Ugggghhhhh who wants that? I know but until it’s looked at and discovered why you do the things that you do, it will stay the same and you don’t want that.

Also nothing of value comes without hard work (my grandpa told me that 🙂 ).

Without having to commit to years and years of psychotherapy here are some quick ways to help identify and minimize shame-based behaviors/attitudes and thinking. Examine the last big mistake and look at what was going on before it occurred. Look at your thoughts, what was your mood like?

Make a list of 3 top negative thoughts you want to change that goes through your head when these behaviors typically occur (pick the ones that you know that typically play on repeat…. )

Once you have those written down, challenge those thoughts. I’ll list some examples of how I would challenge the thoughts

I’ll list some examples of how I would challenge the thoughts

Thought: “I feel lonely and can probably find someone here at the bar.”

Rational challenge thought– “Seriously can a healthy relationship happen from a bar when both people are drunk?”

Thought: “I can just have one drink it’s the holidays”

Rational challenge thought – “Play the tape out 1 drink leads to 8 drinks which leads to doing dumb shit.” (Ok total pass for me, tried the “only 1 drink” approach too many times and it doesn’t work 😉 )

Thought: “They really want that Xbox and I want to be a good mom.”

Rational challenge thought– “If I buy the new Xbox, I can’t pay the electric bill and then they can’t play the Xbox because it won’t work without the electricity.”

The key to challenging this stuff is get ahead of it. If you know that your family/friends are going to have a bunch of booze, pills, weed, judgements, plan ahead. When it occurs, use refusal skills such as “I don’t drink.”, “I’m taking other medications” or if it’s an offhand rude comment, mentally say “Ignore it. They are being insecure because people that judge others are insecure people.”

I know this is like a quick fix band aid and won’t cure the shame ailment completely, but I can promise you if you work on it a little bit at a time, it will get better and it does get better. You start making better choices, which equals better actions and creates more inner strength which works on getting shame-based thinking to the curb.

Well I hope this quick article helps someone out there who may be struggling with feeling bad during the holidays. I understand and have been there so that’s why I know these strategies work. I’ve tried them and have succeeded at staying sober and sane which is my holiday wish for you. If you try them and they don’t then perhaps seeking the advice of a mental health professional may be appropriate.

Please comment below if you have any questions or ways you beat those crappy shame feelings when they come up.

Tips on how to cope with feelings of shame during the holidays when around others

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5 Tips to Help You Avoid a Holiday Relapse

Addiction, Depression, Negative Thoughts, Problem Solving / December 17, 2018

Gotta love family drama and fights that even occur during the holiday season

Many people struggle in their recovery from substance abuse or mental health issues during this time of the year. I am writing this article to help those who are struggling gain some more strength in their recovery and avoid or minimize the risk for a relapse.

1. Most Families are Dysfunctional (always top one on my list 🙁 )

Remember most families are dysfunctional in some manner so you have to get good at ignoring bad behaviors

Example: When someone calls you the Black Sheep of the family or say something inappropriately like “when did you get out of jail again?” while everyone is waiting on Grandma to cut the pies.

The best way to deal with this is IGNORE it. They are putting you down because they are insecure, just being rude and unhappy with their own life.

2. Play the tape out

Is one drink, blunt or illicit Xanax worth the possibility of sitting in jail???? or even giving up that hard earned sobriety or clean time. The answer is NO!!!!

You have worked really hard to get where you are so do not self-sabotage yourself. You’d be surprised how many people unfortunately cannot do this 🙁

REMINDER FOR COURT ORDERED CLIENTS: The day after a long holiday weekend is a HUGE drug testing week and yes, they do test for alcohol

3. Create an Exit Plan before you go to the event

Plan a get-away (store runner), excuse (yes, I’m ok with lying for this if it keeps you sober/clean) use the kids, head ache or gotta go check on the dog…..whatever it is, it’s all good 😊 or perhaps use that darn work is making me go in as an excuse to get a plate and take it with you 😉

4. If it’s too hard to stay clean and sober, go to a meeting

AA and NA meetings will be going 24 hours/day so check out your local club because it will be better than hanging with the family who make you feel bad about yourself or by yourself

Call your sponsor

5. Focus on Self-Care

Let’s be real sometimes the holly jolly BS can get too much, it is perfectly ok to say no to some functions if you feel it will jeopardize your recovery and do something else. That is called self-awareness and setting healthy boundaries especially if you know you will be around cousin so and so the family drug go to guy or pot head. You know the one who always has something because pretty much all families have that person.

So that rounds out my top 5 tips to minimize a potential for relapse. If you have more tips please leave them below. Also if you are struggling please reach out there is no shame in asking for help when you need it because you know what we all need that from time to time.

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How to Cope with Grief and the Holidays When It Just Totally Blows

Addiction, Depression, Grief/Loss, Negative Thoughts, Self-Care / November 24, 2018

grief can be difficult during the holidays — I like this for social media posts because it will explain my “MIA” status since I typically try to stay away from FB during this time.

In the end of 2017 & early 2018, I lost both parents, and this is the real first holiday season when I can’t speak to one of them. Thanksgiving and Black Friday just passed which was important to them and grief during the holidays well it’s hard.

My father was one of those 4 am Black Friday wait in the line shoppers, so I fondly remember times when he and my nephew would wait for hours for the best deal on anything tech at the local Best Buy. My mother was a big time Black Friday shopper also. She would always update me on her latest great deals/finds that day.

grief is particularly difficult when you lose your parents — My parents a few years ago before their deaths. This pic makes me smile and it’s probably because you can see where I found my love of desserts. I truly miss them

Anyways this past weekend has been tough on me, so I figured I would share how I have been able to stay sane and somewhat cope with the overwhelming emotions that this time of year brings to people who are coping with grief and the holidays without resorting to alcohol or drugs. (Booze was my go to thing for a long while & I consider myself lucky to get free from it’s ugly clutches)

Soooooo if you are finding yourself depressed, sad, angry, unable to cope this list is for you 😊

Cry if you have too. It’s better to deal with emotions than bottle them up.
Eat plenty of things you love this time of year when you want it. (I’m thinking pumpkin pie for breakfast with a bunch of cool whip – Yummy & Completely Awesome!!! )
Focus on self-care. If you can’t sleep at night, take a nap during the day. Be kind to yourself because this is very hard.
Watch a funny holiday movie. I’m thinking of Elf. I watched it yesterday and it always brings a smile to my face until the end because it’s touching and then I typically get teary eyed or cry. Damn holiday movies! I totally avoid Hallmark and Lifetime during this season for real.
Avoid people & parties that will have booze, weed or Xanax. It’s just better to bow out before a bad decision is made and you feel guilty or shame about the bad choice after the fact.
Decorate the house or distract yourself with hanging those darn Christmas lights. Untangling the mess will distract you for a bit 😉 they are always tangled or at least mine are.
Buy yourself something nice for Black Friday even something small like new, super soft slippers they are always on sale cheap somewhere.

Ok for those of you that are thinking isn’t she pushing stuffing my emotions with stuff, food and such. Well for me, it works because I have battled with disordered eating most of my life. When I get upset, I typically don’t eat and that’s not good for me (too much weight loss).

So during this time my plan is totally prioritize eating what I like, when I want it as well as some healthy habits like vitamins and such because if I don’t I resort back to the old habits of not eating anything because of overwhelming emotions and the dark spiral of negative thoughts begins.

Also if you are reading this article, people that have issues with substances or eating disorders typically put others first which is nice because of the season of giving but realistically it typically is to the detriment of themselves (codependency).

In other words, you do not focus on yourself being healthy but focus on others to the extreme. With that being said, I focus on me because hey, this is a tough part of the year for me so I will focus on being kind to myself as well as others but the priority is me.

In summary, the main way to make the holiday season go a bit smoother for you is to focus on self-care. It means to make yourself the priority in a healthy way.

If you are struggling with grief and the holidays know that you are totally not alone, I get it unfortunately truly I do. Make a care plan for yourself whatever it may be and leave your comments below on what your plan is to be healthy during this season. Take care of yourself! We will get through this 😊

If you would like to discuss how to cope when grief strikes, click here to book your free 15 min recovery strategy call

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Mental Health & Tech: Is it really that good for you?

Negative Thoughts / September 13, 2018

I read an article recently somewhere that said the average American spends 24 hours per week on their phone. When I read that and immediately said “WHAT!!!! No Way” and then shortly thereafter checked my IG feed 😉 So I really then thought about it later and wondered how that effects someones mental health.

I am one that loves tech. I grew up the daughter of a computer engineer, so tech has been in my life my entire life. However, when I sit and ponder that statistic, a whole day out of the week is looking at the phone, honestly it shocks me and not in a good way.

I know they constantly are doing mental health research on the effects of social media with regards to mood. I also have read that people who are on social media most of the time are typically more depressed which makes sense to me because if my head is buried in my screen chances are I’m not interacting with the world around me.

So I decided to write this to help those that are let’s be honest on the ‘Gram or FB too much and are not feeling that good about themselves. One can find motivation and inspiration from your social media feed. However, beware there are also posts, tweets or pics that can invoke a not so good mood in which you find yourself more depressed, anxious and angry. I have a few tips to help when one is feeling more negative than positive as a result of looking at their phone.

It’s All About Balance

Yes, they say “Life’s A Balance” and it is true. When life gets out of balance that is when people are at a higher risk for relapse. Whatever relapse means to you which could include drug and alcohol use, feeling depressed or anxious, feeling bad about yourself or getting back into the throes of an eating disorder.

Take a general look at the feeds or posts you generally see on whatever platform you are on. Consider are they the complainers, the people that are always updating you on how much their life sucks and this boyfriend/girlfriend did this or the completely obscure attention seeking “This has been the worst day ever” post which doesn’t explain why or even the beautiful models that has your head screaming inside “Geez I’m fat.” when you’re totally not.

Pause Those Negative Energy Vampires

As a counselor, I encourage people to look at who they are typically hanging around because “you are what you eat” per se. If you hang around or look at negativity all day, chances are you will be more negative and view your life more negatively. If you hang around more positive people and read more motivational and inspirational type posts, chances are you will have a more inspired, gratitude filled outlook on your life. What you put into your mind does affect your mood whether that be positive or negative. That is why it truly is all about balance.

For example, in my own life, if the negative Nancy’s (sorry any Nancy’s out there) or energy suckers are showing up too much I either unfollow them or the cool thing on Facebook is I can put them on a 30 day pause type function. They typically are extremely draining, and I find if I read or look at too much of that I do not feel inspired or motivated and pretty quickly my mood turns negative (poor mental health). The way I look at it in 30 days when they start showing up in the feed again if their mood/posts still appear negative I can quickly unfollow or pause again.

Ditch the News (Sorry Cable Company People)

So if you are one of those people that watch the news every day, consider how that effects your mood. For me, I had to ditch the cable and get a firestick. I do not watch the news and I typically say “I am happily, completely uninformed.” I do care about what is going on in the world but I feel I get enough news off social media or in my email already to feel “in the know”.

I was one of those watch the news everyday type of people to see the weather but found the longer the 30 minute program was on, the angrier and more depressed I became. What I found out was that I ended up not liking the area I lived in. This has happened a few times in moving around the country and I had to take a look at seriously the areas are not that bad and there is good in each location. However, at the time you would have thought those places were the worst ever to live in.

So for the past 4-5 years I have not watched the news aside from local stuff when hurricanes are coming through town but even with that I limit it because I found if I tuned in to the weather guy 24/7 before the storm, my fear/anxiety would kick into high gear waiting for the hurricane cone to shift and I found myself somewhat panicked feeling and like I must brave the crowds at Walmart to buy more water, batteries and bread even though I have a hurricane kit filled with plenty of supplies. It was complete panic irrational thoughts.

Key Take Aways

So the take away of this post is to ask yourself these questions: “How long am I on my phone each day? What am I reading or looking at each day? Are the posts more negative or positive?” and then make some changes for your mental health. Any depression, anxiety, thoughts of relapse will be minimized if you fill your mind with the right stuff, find tech balance and make small changes. You will find your recovery will stay more on track and filled with hope.

If you need some help putting together a tech detox, click the link to book your Free 15 min recovery strategy call

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How to End that Negative Mindset Quickly

Negative Thoughts / August 4, 2018

Negative mindset… fun topic right? Not really but a lot of people seem to get stuck in a negative mindset and especially when life is not going the way a person expects. When you suffer from a mental health issue such as depression or anxiety, negativity kind of comes with the package right?

Have you ever seen a happy depressed person? No not really because although a depressed person may fake a persona of happiness they really are not and their body language and especially their facial expressions will tell the tale.

Sometimes counselors and heck, I’ve even suggested the “fake it to you make it” mindset once in a while but let’s get real…. It works for a bit and then reverts to negative, depressed and anxious again. I have a few tips that will help you change your negative mindset back to being happier, more content and then happiness will come and peace will come. 😊

Who Do You Spend the Most Time With?

So the first tip is to look at who you are predominately around most of the day. If the people are negative and irritable, you will more than likely be negative and irritable. It only makes sense. Like attracts like or at least like makes you more like them.

Think about limiting time with negative people because they really do drain your energy and change your mindset. These types of people are not fun to be around. I call them energy vampires because they suck any positive energy right out of you.

A Tiny Speck of Gratitude Goes A Long Way

When feeling negative it is hard to see good things in your life but there is a way to feel better and it’s using gratitude. Make a list of things you are grateful for.

To me I can recite that I am grateful for family and friends and I really am but I don’t include them on the list because they seem like a given. I try to figure out other things.

I will give you a quick example list of 5 things I am grateful for off the top of my head.

My dog’s wagging tail when I get home
That I have a running water available whenever I want (most of the World does not)
Clean sheets (I love getting into bed with clean sheets in the summer….delightful)
That I have a car that can take me wherever I want especially when I see people walking or waiting for the bus
That my needs are pretty much taken care of. I may want things but hey I don’t really need anything

So my advice, leave the family and friends off the list and make a random list of other things you are grateful for. You will feel more content and positive when you see all of the things in your life you do have and watch your mood change in a positive way.

Get Back into Things You Used to Love to Do

Remember those old hobbies that you used to participate in when you had the time. I get it, life is busy, running from one thing to the next and even with kids in the house it can be difficult to find some time but there is a reason you need to re-connect yourself with the things you love to do, it will help change your mood to more positive.

If you can’t come up with a hobby or activity, think of things that you used to enjoy doing in which the time flies by. For me, it’s painting. I had not painted in 10-15 years but got reconnected and I forgot how much I enjoy it and get into “the zone”. It will feel like 15 minutes but really 2 hours will go by. Take a look at Pinterest for ideas for your hobby.

You may still be saying “I don’t have the time.” This is where you get out your calendar and schedule some time for yourself. It is very important that you spend some quality time for yourself by yourself. It doesn’t have to be a long period of time like hours I mean that is hard to carve out of a busy schedule but perhaps 30 minutes. You will see when you start participating in things you used to like to do, you will look forward to that time and protect that part of your schedule for YOU.

So in summary, when looking to change your negative mindset to a more positive one, take a hard look at who you spend a majority of your time with and make changes. Think about what you are grateful for and re-connect with yourself and doing things you love to do. If you put these tips into practice, your depressed, negative mindset will make wonderful changes and your mindset will change for the better.

If you would like some help changing your negative mindset into a more positive one, book a free 15 min Recovery Journey call.

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