Grief/Loss – Cindy Athey, MS, MCAP, SAP

What I Want You to Know About Group Therapy

Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Finding a Counselor, Grief/Loss, Substance Abuse / September 19, 2019

So as a counselor I like to facilitate mental health and recovery group therapy and I find there are some people that are intimidated by group settings.

I wanted to write this post to alleviate some of that anxiety about group therapy and why I highly recommend people participate in them.

1) You ARE NOT Being Judged

No one judges others in group therapy — Thanks RDJ lol…

Many times people are reluctant to attend groups because they are fearful or anxious of what others may think of them and their situation. It’s ok you will not be judged.

Let me assure you, counselors facilitating groups are not judging you and neither are the people that attend. If you are attending a depression group, most people there will also be struggling with that. Addiction recovery groups will have people struggling with addiction. If you attend a grief group, guess what there will be others trying to cope with grief.

So don’t sweat it. A group setting is a safe, awesome place to share. The people there are like you and going through the same thing or have gone through what you are trying to cope with.

2) It’s a Safe Place of Support

Any group I’ve facilitated, which at this point would be in the upper hundreds or maybe more 😉 are a safe place of support. People are there to learn strategies and skills to apply in their own life.

The group setting is confidential and welcoming. What’s said in group stays in the group. It is not shared outside of the group. So let’s say I see a group member at Walmart I will not say “see you at group.” That’s a huge group no no. It will not happen. That is a requirement of all the groups.

Let me add the only time any group information is disclosed and that would only be by the counselor would be if someone was threatening to harm themselves or others.

3) There should be no more than 10 people in the group

Here’s why I say that anymore than 10 to me feels like a class. Group is not a class or workshop. A support group is generally held weekly, biweekly or monthly. It should be supportive in nature and for that smaller is generally more comfortable and effective.

If you are looking for a group and there are 20 people in it, you will not find the outcomes you are looking for unless the outcomes are to attend a class. Group is not like that.

So that’s my 3 things I would like to share about groups. Groups are awesome, not scary, not judgmental and the bonus ** you meet wonderful new people ** who are sharing a part of your life that is troubling to you. That’s the support part 😊 & they ROCK!!!!

If you are struggling, don’t be scared or anxious, reach out to a group near you. They will help you. You’ll see 😊

If you are in the Tampa Bay area and looking for a group, click this link to book your free 15 min recovery strategy call so I can help you and if I can’t I do have connections that I can refer you to that can.

Learn more about me on my LinkedIn profile

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How to Cope with Grief and the Holidays When It Just Totally Blows

Addiction, Depression, Grief/Loss, Negative Thoughts, Self-Care / November 24, 2018

grief can be difficult during the holidays — I like this for social media posts because it will explain my “MIA” status since I typically try to stay away from FB during this time.

In the end of 2017 & early 2018, I lost both parents, and this is the real first holiday season when I can’t speak to one of them. Thanksgiving and Black Friday just passed which was important to them and grief during the holidays well it’s hard.

My father was one of those 4 am Black Friday wait in the line shoppers, so I fondly remember times when he and my nephew would wait for hours for the best deal on anything tech at the local Best Buy. My mother was a big time Black Friday shopper also. She would always update me on her latest great deals/finds that day.

grief is particularly difficult when you lose your parents — My parents a few years ago before their deaths. This pic makes me smile and it’s probably because you can see where I found my love of desserts. I truly miss them

Anyways this past weekend has been tough on me, so I figured I would share how I have been able to stay sane and somewhat cope with the overwhelming emotions that this time of year brings to people who are coping with grief and the holidays without resorting to alcohol or drugs. (Booze was my go to thing for a long while & I consider myself lucky to get free from it’s ugly clutches)

Soooooo if you are finding yourself depressed, sad, angry, unable to cope this list is for you 😊

Cry if you have too. It’s better to deal with emotions than bottle them up.
Eat plenty of things you love this time of year when you want it. (I’m thinking pumpkin pie for breakfast with a bunch of cool whip – Yummy & Completely Awesome!!! )
Focus on self-care. If you can’t sleep at night, take a nap during the day. Be kind to yourself because this is very hard.
Watch a funny holiday movie. I’m thinking of Elf. I watched it yesterday and it always brings a smile to my face until the end because it’s touching and then I typically get teary eyed or cry. Damn holiday movies! I totally avoid Hallmark and Lifetime during this season for real.
Avoid people & parties that will have booze, weed or Xanax. It’s just better to bow out before a bad decision is made and you feel guilty or shame about the bad choice after the fact.
Decorate the house or distract yourself with hanging those darn Christmas lights. Untangling the mess will distract you for a bit 😉 they are always tangled or at least mine are.
Buy yourself something nice for Black Friday even something small like new, super soft slippers they are always on sale cheap somewhere.

Ok for those of you that are thinking isn’t she pushing stuffing my emotions with stuff, food and such. Well for me, it works because I have battled with disordered eating most of my life. When I get upset, I typically don’t eat and that’s not good for me (too much weight loss).

So during this time my plan is totally prioritize eating what I like, when I want it as well as some healthy habits like vitamins and such because if I don’t I resort back to the old habits of not eating anything because of overwhelming emotions and the dark spiral of negative thoughts begins.

Also if you are reading this article, people that have issues with substances or eating disorders typically put others first which is nice because of the season of giving but realistically it typically is to the detriment of themselves (codependency).

In other words, you do not focus on yourself being healthy but focus on others to the extreme. With that being said, I focus on me because hey, this is a tough part of the year for me so I will focus on being kind to myself as well as others but the priority is me.

In summary, the main way to make the holiday season go a bit smoother for you is to focus on self-care. It means to make yourself the priority in a healthy way.

If you are struggling with grief and the holidays know that you are totally not alone, I get it unfortunately truly I do. Make a care plan for yourself whatever it may be and leave your comments below on what your plan is to be healthy during this season. Take care of yourself! We will get through this 😊

If you would like to discuss how to cope when grief strikes, click here to book your free 15 min recovery strategy call

You can learn more about me on my LinkedIn profile

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When Daddy’s Girl is Lost……

Depression, Grief/Loss, Negative Thoughts / June 14, 2018

It’s 3:30 am and I can’t sleep. I know it eludes me because Father’s Day is rolling around this weekend. I feel a sense of dread as it’s the first one officially without my father. He passed away in the fall from dementia. Rationally I know my father has not been the normal dad I knew for many years because of the dementia. However, his loss has been crazy difficult in that now he is officially gone.

As I write this I’m not really sure where this blog post will take me as the grief journey has been difficult to say the least for me and I’m a counselor, which I find myself constantly asking myself “Shouldn’t I know how to cope with this shit effectively?”

Well who knows??? I’m trying the best I can. When you are actually sitting in your own grief it is soooo different that actually helping others process their own losses. I find myself going through the stages of grief backwards, forwards and upside down. I cry, I feel depressed and then I realize too that my dad is not suffering from dementia any longer which makes me feel better.

I guess the point of the story is I know there are a lot of people out there that are feeling the same way….lost and not sure what to do and I wanted to encourage you to know that

You are not alone (losing a parent blows no matter how you look at it)
You’re not crazy because it’s hard
Everyone does do the whole grief thing differently so do what works for you

Here are 3 ways I have found that have been helpful and yes, even at the wee hours of this morning 😉

One Day at a Time/One Moment at a Time

Which I might add some days can feel a lot harder than others. Just stay in the moment, if you feel sad, feel sad; if you feel angry, feel angry. Focus on staying in the moment and realize emotions change constantly. I find when I do this and take it moment by moment. Yes I cry for a little bit but then get back up and continue to fight on because you know what I know deep down my dad would not want me sitting around crying about losing him all day. I’m a parent and I would not want my children to do that either. Just viewing it this way helps me a lot. It must be my inner junkyard dog, that tells me enough….keep moving sister….you’re going to be just fine and dad is watching over you and smiling.

Be Proud of Yourself

To me sometimes it’s the small things that make me focus on being proud of myself because it is difficult not being able to share successes with him. After all my dad was my home grown cheering section. I always felt that I really never did anything too wrong or bad in his eyes and he always had sound advice if I had a problem.

Being proud of myself is hard at this time because it’s been so emotional. However I look at it or rationalize it or spin it this way to myself “You are dealing with losing dad. You are not a drunk mess and you are feeling emotions head on. You are working and doing what you love to do and you are trying hard to move forward and crush those goals”. When I look at the achievements even small ones without my dad here, I know that he would be proud of me and that makes me proud of myself. Sad, yes but proud all the same.

Talk to Yourself…..Out Loud

I know you’re like WTF???? What kind of counselor is she???? Well not one that’s regurgitating psycho-babble. I’m pretty down to earth as well as a wee bit eclectic in my views. I have always gleamed a little bit of info here and a little bit there from different psychological theories to form my rationale behind human behavior and what seems to work. Yes, experts, I believe there is not just one way to cope with emotions.

The way I look at It is like this…..talking to yourself is not really a problem unless of course a different voice is answering you back. Do what it takes to makes yourself feel better which to me equals all the better. Loss is difficult, and you know what if you talk to yourself and it helps so be it. I talk to myself or my father sometimes because I believe he is watching over me. I don’t hold a conversation with him but I find myself sometimes saying what he would have said.

For example, recently I was doting over my dog and immediately dad’s voice came to my mind. I found myself fondly saying to the dog “Oh Cindy, you and your little furry friends”😉 with a smile. My dad would say that to me because he knew I love animals. Yes, I’m a totally crazy dog mom. You know remembering/saying that out loud made me feel better. My advice do what works.

This whole grief thing….. it’s hard, it sucks and it can make holidays just truly blow but you can manage through it. Create a plan and take it easy on yourself. Handling our emotional self is not for the faint of heart, it can be hard.

As for me and my Father’s Day plan, I am going to take some self-care time that day which translates into cry a bit, nap a bit, watch some funny Prime probably the show, Psych (I love Shawn and Gus….so silly) and snack on some favs maybe garbage nachos you know the good kind with all bunches of cheese, sour cream, guac and just loaded with high calorie goodness…Mmmmmm… I deserve it.

I truly hope this post helps someone who may feel lost with regards to doing Father’s Day without your dad. Know that you are not alone. This Daddy’s Girl totally gets it and please just focus on self care that day. Leave your comments below on how you intend to take good care of yourself this Father’s Day.

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