Codependency is a well-known term used in the mental health arena. It is defined as a pattern of dependency of habitual actions based on the approval of others in an effort to find a sense of self-worth, validation, protection and personal identity.
Codependency can be complicated in that one may not be aware of it or if they are, in denial about the extent of the issue. This can negatively affect a recovery as one is not making themselves a priority which in recovery is paramount to healing and moving forward.
Here are signs that codependency is negatively effecting your recovery.
- Trying to “Fix” or Help Others
As an addiction counselor, I meet many people that are involved in relationships in which they are the care takers and trying to help or change other people’s behaviors/values/attitudes. They minimize these issues and want to “fix” the other person. This is impossible as the only person who can elicit a change is the person who is changing themselves. If the other person who is displaying unacceptable behaviors is not willing to address those behaviors, then it is outside of your control.
2. Difficulty Saying No
Have you ever been asked to do something for someone else and your gut or thoughts are saying no but you go ahead and do it anyways? This is an example when people do not have strong healthy boundaries. It’s hard to say no to others especially if you want to please others but realistically in recovery you must focus on yourself and listen to your intuition. If it appears like the request should be a “no”, then it more than likely should be a “no.”
If the other person gets upset, which typically they will at first when you start setting healthy boundaries, stick to your principles and they will respect you for that later. If they don’t then they are a manipulator and it’s time to cut ties with that person because they will at some point increase your risk of relapse.
3. Believe Self-Care is Selfish
This one is tough for people new to recovery because they truly have been led to believe that it is selfish to put themselves first. Don’t believe the lies. The people that have told you that you are the selfish ones and the manipulators in your life.
Self-care is mandatory and essential to a strong recovery. For years during your addiction, you did not take care of yourself. Remember if your mind, body and soul are not healthy it is easier to relapse down that slippery slope whether that be substances or mental health issues.
4. Feel Bad Asking for Help
Recovery from anything is not for the faint at heart. It’s hard and no one knows more than me, but you have to dig deep and ask for help. There are professionals as well as support groups that can help you along the way. (check out the resources page for free support groups) It’s ok to ask for help when you need it. We all need help from others from time to time that is part of being human.
5. Feel Uncomfortable Talking to People in Authority
This comes back to effective communication and confidence. People in places of authority whether it be the legal system, physicians or even the family matriarch will respect you if you communicate your wants and needs effectively. Acknowledge the uncomfortable feeling and remind yourself that everyone is a person like you or me. We all put our pants on the same way.
Building confidence takes one step at a time but you have to practice it even if you do not feel confident at the time. Authority figures can intimidate anyone but typically relationships boil down to respect. In that I mean if you show respect to someone else they typically will mirror that back to you. If they don’t, that’s ok it just shows they have work to do on themselves.
6. Not Liking Being Alone
In recovery, you need to develop the skill of being alone at times as that is where real personal growth occurs. It’s an exciting time actually. When you are alone, it’s a break from the world where you can dream, set goals for whatever you would like and not have to worry about anyone else’s comments or opinions.
It’s truly a blessing to like being with yourself because there is nothing worse than be in a crowded room around others and feeling alone. If you are in recovery, I know you know that feeling. Embrace alone time and use it to journal and plan your exciting future of being alcohol and drug free or even toxic relationship free. Alone time is really a blessing and not a curse.
7. Can’t Leave a Relationship Even If It’s Unhealthy
I saved this one for last on the list because I figure if you have read down to number 7 it’s about that time to discuss the number one reason people relapse and that is inability to manage stress which is mostly caused by dysfunctional relationships.
Most of these relationships have been in your life for some time maybe even years. However, in the essence of self-preservation because recovery is about saving your life (physical and mental health), one must examine their personal and sometimes professional relationships.
If the relationship is unhealthy, you already know that, and it can be scary to leave the known whether bad for you or not and go into the unknown. Change is scary at times.
Codependency Recovery
With that being said, to be successful in recovery, unhealthy relationships need to leave your life or at the very least have very minimal contact in your life. At times, we outgrow people we know or are in a relationship with and that is ok. Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season not a lifetime.
There are other signs of codependency that have not been discussed in this article. However, I chose to discuss the ones that I see most frequently in my counseling practice.
If you recognize these signs in your own life, it would be my recommendation to pursue counseling to identify strategies that you can utilize to help you move away of a life of codependency and into a peaceful life of independence. You have been a prisoner too long to this.
Being able to clearly identify these negative actions or mindsets will help you to be able to increase your sense of self-worth and move forward to freedom and peace which is what everyone truly deserves.
If you need some help identifying codependency, click this link to schedule your free 15 min recovery journey call
If you want to learn more about me, check out my LinkedIn profile
Comments are closed.