Relationships – Page 2 – Cindy Athey, MS, MCAP, SAP

Addiction: Recognizing the Early Signs

Addiction, Finding a Counselor, Relationships / April 29, 2019

Addiction can start to feel like “the new normal” in a family.

Addiction is a very sneaky brain disease. It corrupts the mind over time for the person who is deep in the throes of whatever may be the addiction. It starts to feel like “the normal” when the bystanders/family/friends just see the chaos but actually it can become their new normal too. Addicted people will try to hide it, try to function during it, lie about it, steal for it and hurt themselves for it.

Figuring out if your loved one has an addiction

So you may ask how do I know if someone I love has early signs or red flags of behavior or mindsets that increase the chance of an addiction???? And unfortunately if you are questioning or reading about whether they are or not, there is already some suspicions about the problem.

Also this article is geared towards adults with addiction and not teens or juveniles. The early signs are pretty much the same but the way you respond will be a bit different. I will add a second article about how to cope with teen addicts.

Here’s a quick list of early signs of possible addiction in an adult I’ve compiled to help you out.

Early Signs of Addiction

A person appears to be sneaky or it feels like the story that they are telling you just doesn’t add up. Trust your gut! When you feel something isn’t right, unfortunately it probably isn’t.

You start missing money or the person is spending a lot of money but has nothing to show for it. Things of value start disappearing (probably down at the local pawn shop)

The person starts to have more days where they are using the substance than sober/clean days. Now if it’s a compulsive behavior like gambling, gaming or spending, look at how much time or money they are spending on it.

They start justifying their behavior. Some examples, people will say are like “I’m careful when I drink and drive and won’t get another DUI” or “It’s ok I won’t be drug tested this week at probation”. So doesn’t make sense, right??? You’re right it won’t.

Not following through with responsibilities. Is the person missing a lot of school or work? Do they appear sick (hungover or dope sick) much of the time? Are they lethargic and unmotivated?

So I see some familiar signs, now what????

Now I know it is frightening to see signs that look familiar and it may ring true for a loved one but most importantly, stay calm. Addiction is a tough disease on the person who is addicted but also the family.

The main take away point I want to make to any family member/loved one reading this is that for an addict to stop, they have to want to change. I know you want them to change but if they don’t want to it means they are not there yet. Hopefully they get there but you cannot force recovery. It is a personal choice.

So here are a few tips to help you as a loved one:

Don’t enable their behavior. By that I mean don’t “loan” them money because seriously you’re not getting that back. Don’t call their PO, pay their bills or call out of work for them. Make them take some responsibility for their choices. You can love them of course but you must incorporate a semi “tough love” stance and let them basically sink or swim and hopefully at some point they will want to change. It’s ok to love someone from afar and set healthy boundaries.

Let go of control. There is only so much that you can do about this with regards to an adult. For a successful recovery, it is a personal journey. Therefore, the person needs to determine that they want to be clean, sober, productive and motivated. Think this way, have you ever changed when someone told you to change? No if anything, I know in my own life it caused me to rebel against whatever it may be.

Go see a therapist or counselor. Dealing with an addiction in the family is not for the faint of heart. It’s chaos that changes day to day and sometimes minute to minute. I truly believe everyone has a part to play in an addiction in a family (the addict and you, yes you.) Now if you are saying “well, I don’t buy the drugs or swipe the credit card”, no you don’t but addicts are using their addiction to hide from something. Addiction is an ineffective band aid of sorts. It is covering a wound or their viewpoint of the wound. A therapist or counselor can assist you unbiasedly with support, identifying your role in all of this and help you create strategies to help maintain your sanity as well as cope with what is going on in the home.

So to wrap up, if you have identified a loved one may have an issue, remember it is outside of your control. However, what is inside of your control is how you react. Stop enabling or feeding the addiction, let go of trying to control the addict and finally, go see a therapist for yourself.

Need more help

Also if you have any questions or need guidance, please do not hesitate to reach out to me and click the link to book your free 15 min recovery strategy call. If I can’t answer you’re question, I know I can help guide you to the person/agency that does.

how to recognize the early signs of addiction

For more information about me, check out my LinkedIn profile

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Is Codependency Negatively Effecting You

Addiction, Happiness, Negative Thoughts, Relapse Prevention, Relationships, Self-Care / April 15, 2019

Codependency is a well-known term used in the mental health arena. It is defined as a pattern of dependency of habitual actions based on the approval of others in an effort to find a sense of self-worth, validation, protection and personal identity.

Codependency can be complicated in that one may not be aware of it or if they are, in denial about the extent of the issue. This can negatively affect a recovery as one is not making themselves a priority which in recovery is paramount to healing and moving forward.

Here are signs that codependency is negatively effecting your recovery.

Trying to “Fix” or Help Others

As an addiction counselor, I meet many people that are involved in relationships in which they are the care takers and trying to help or change other people’s behaviors/values/attitudes. They minimize these issues and want to “fix” the other person. This is impossible as the only person who can elicit a change is the person who is changing themselves. If the other person who is displaying unacceptable behaviors is not willing to address those behaviors, then it is outside of your control.

2. Difficulty Saying No

Have you ever been asked to do something for someone else and your gut or thoughts are saying no but you go ahead and do it anyways? This is an example when people do not have strong healthy boundaries. It’s hard to say no to others especially if you want to please others but realistically in recovery you must focus on yourself and listen to your intuition. If it appears like the request should be a “no”, then it more than likely should be a “no.”

If the other person gets upset, which typically they will at first when you start setting healthy boundaries, stick to your principles and they will respect you for that later. If they don’t then they are a manipulator and it’s time to cut ties with that person because they will at some point increase your risk of relapse.

3. Believe Self-Care is Selfish

This one is tough for people new to recovery because they truly have been led to believe that it is selfish to put themselves first. Don’t believe the lies. The people that have told you that you are the selfish ones and the manipulators in your life.

Self-care is mandatory and essential to a strong recovery. For years during your addiction, you did not take care of yourself. Remember if your mind, body and soul are not healthy it is easier to relapse down that slippery slope whether that be substances or mental health issues.

4. Feel Bad Asking for Help

Recovery from anything is not for the faint at heart. It’s hard and no one knows more than me, but you have to dig deep and ask for help. There are professionals as well as support groups that can help you along the way. (check out the resources page for free support groups) It’s ok to ask for help when you need it. We all need help from others from time to time that is part of being human.

5. Feel Uncomfortable Talking to People in Authority

This comes back to effective communication and confidence. People in places of authority whether it be the legal system, physicians or even the family matriarch will respect you if you communicate your wants and needs effectively. Acknowledge the uncomfortable feeling and remind yourself that everyone is a person like you or me. We all put our pants on the same way.

Building confidence takes one step at a time but you have to practice it even if you do not feel confident at the time. Authority figures can intimidate anyone but typically relationships boil down to respect. In that I mean if you show respect to someone else they typically will mirror that back to you. If they don’t, that’s ok it just shows they have work to do on themselves.

6. Not Liking Being Alone

In recovery, you need to develop the skill of being alone at times as that is where real personal growth occurs. It’s an exciting time actually. When you are alone, it’s a break from the world where you can dream, set goals for whatever you would like and not have to worry about anyone else’s comments or opinions.

It’s truly a blessing to like being with yourself because there is nothing worse than be in a crowded room around others and feeling alone. If you are in recovery, I know you know that feeling. Embrace alone time and use it to journal and plan your exciting future of being alcohol and drug free or even toxic relationship free. Alone time is really a blessing and not a curse.

7. Can’t Leave a Relationship Even If It’s Unhealthy

I saved this one for last on the list because I figure if you have read down to number 7 it’s about that time to discuss the number one reason people relapse and that is inability to manage stress which is mostly caused by dysfunctional relationships.

Most of these relationships have been in your life for some time maybe even years. However, in the essence of self-preservation because recovery is about saving your life (physical and mental health), one must examine their personal and sometimes professional relationships.

If the relationship is unhealthy, you already know that, and it can be scary to leave the known whether bad for you or not and go into the unknown. Change is scary at times.

Codependency Recovery

With that being said, to be successful in recovery, unhealthy relationships need to leave your life or at the very least have very minimal contact in your life. At times, we outgrow people we know or are in a relationship with and that is ok. Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season not a lifetime.

There are other signs of codependency that have not been discussed in this article. However, I chose to discuss the ones that I see most frequently in my counseling practice.

If you recognize these signs in your own life, it would be my recommendation to pursue counseling to identify strategies that you can utilize to help you move away of a life of codependency and into a peaceful life of independence. You have been a prisoner too long to this.

Being able to clearly identify these negative actions or mindsets will help you to be able to increase your sense of self-worth and move forward to freedom and peace which is what everyone truly deserves.

If you need some help identifying codependency, click this link to schedule your free 15 min recovery journey call

If you want to learn more about me, check out my LinkedIn profile

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Finding Happiness – It’s Not as Impossible as You Think

Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Happiness, Relapse Prevention, Relationships / January 20, 2019

When I meet with client’s that are early in recovery from substance abuse or mental health issues, the main topic or goal that they typically want help with is finding happiness. Tall order, right? Well yes, but really not as elusive as you might think. Happiness can be achieved, and I wouldn’t be saying that if I didn’t get there myself.

Happiness which is defined by Webster as the “state of well-being and contentment” can feel overwhelmingly unachievable to some because they feel so miserable, sad, overwhelmed, stressed out and well, just plain overwhelmed in their life presently. There are ways you can find true contented happiness and it really isn’t that difficult to do but it does take some work on your part.

Stay in the Moment

The only part of your life that you can truly change is this present moment. You cannot change the past and you really can’t predict the future, not totally anyways. It all depends on what you are doing now in the present moment.

A way to find contentment is being content in the present moment. Will you ever feel bad? Of course, you will but you are truly the only one who can change that reality as you are the only one who can elicit changes in your life or reality as you perceive it.

For example, if I am having a bad day, you know the type because we all have them from time to time in which you really want a do-over because everything that can go wrong has gone wrong, embrace it, laugh it off and push through it.

Guess what? In 24 hours that day will have gone by and you will be in the next day – essentially your do-over. So during the rough day, take a deep breath and persevere. It will get better but you have to get your mindset that way.

Be OK with Being by Yourself

Many people are afraid of being alone. I am talking about the people who are not in a relationship or perhaps the empty nesters where the kids are out of the house on their own. Many people I speak with do not like being by themselves which can make someone feel more depressed, more apt to relapse (mentally or physically) and that’s not good.

People are fearful of being by themselves because they are bored or lonely. Embrace your alone time. Get reconnected with yourself during this period because this is only a period and apt to change. Do things that you enjoy or used to enjoy by yourself. Journal about your feelings. If you don’t like being alone, google clubs or groups in your area that have get-togethers that interest you and then attend one.

Alone time is a gift because it lets you de-stress, have some down time from interactions with others that can negatively effect your mood. Ever be around toxic people that drag down your mood? Yes, I have and to be honest I’d rather be alone napping or reading a great book or something than being with the negative people who mentally drain me.

Look for the Positives Even in the Negatives

So remember for every positive there is a negative and in turn every negative has a positive if you look for it. Went through a bad relationship break-up? I’m sure if you look at the relationship as a whole there were some good times and some bad times.

Find the lesson in that negative, there is one. It could be you did not stand up for yourself and were manipulated. It could be just not a good fit but you were lonely and jumped into it. Whatever the lesson figure it out so it doesn’t get repeated and form more negative stress in your life.

Life is great at repeating the lesson if it is not learned. So while you are having that alone time, identify what are the lessons? What are the positive takeaways from the experience? They are there. Commit to yourself that you will not repeat the lessons and check those off the list of learned.

If you find you try these and nothing gets better, you may want to seek out counseling to help you with this. But as you know, Rome wasn’t built in a day so give them a real chance to work. You will see positive changes and I am only saying that as one previous negative thinker who was able to change my view to embrace a state of well being and contentment aka happiness. I can honestly say that it took some work to overcome past darkness but it can be done with concentrated effort.

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The Miracle that Comes after a Relationship Meltdown

Happiness, Problem Solving, Relationships, Self-Esteem / August 20, 2018

Has your confidence ever been down or seems to not exist lately and especially after a break up or relationship meltdown? You know you feel like you can’t do anything right and especially after an important relationship in your life comes to a crashing end where you feel like the rug has totally, completely been pulled out from under you.

Well no worries, I have a way that will help you make better decisions next time cupid rolls into town as well as eliminate the low self-esteem, inner negative self-talk and low confidence that happens after a toxic relationship has ended.

People are all human and going to make mistakes, you are, I am and even the person you trusted and thought was “the one, your everything” will make mistakes. It’s just human nature. No one is perfect and one needs to accept that fact. Sometimes relationships don’t work out for many reasons such as the other person isn’t ready for one, you aren’t ready for one or it’s just fate, you two are not good together and that is what I am calling a relationship meltdown.

Stop Living in the Past

I have learned you can’t remain in the past of the should have’s, would have’s or could have’s. It’s not healthy for you. One needs to accept the relationship ended, and if you’re reading this post it probably ended not in a good way, but the point is you need to continue to move forward.

Don’t get stuck in blaming yourself, the other person or just life in general. Life doesn’t suck, everything will be ok and it is what it is. The main point is to make sure you continue to move on, move forward even a baby step at a time but just forward and not backwards, stuck in the past.

I speak with people all the time who are stuck in the past and it’s sad…oh so sad. These people are dwelling on irrational thoughts of a failed relationship. They continue to stare at the relationship as if it was a Cinderella story when in fact it was closer to Kim and Kanye, a relationship meltdown. Yeah, a hot mess.

Use Your Inner Magnifying Glass

When examining why a relationship went bad, it is extremely important not to romanticize it and view it realistically. There were clues it wasn’t going right. Come on you saw it didn’t you? They were pretty neon bright, right? Your gut or intuition was probably telling you all along something wasn’t right. In a good relationship, you don’t have to try so hard. It should not be painful or at the very least feel like you are putting more into it than the other person.

So here’s the part how you can get your head back in the game and the way to do that is to identify the pattern. There is always a pattern. By that I mean a pattern of issues which you can see if you look closely enough at yourself. Yes, I said yourself and not the other person.

I know that blows because who wants to admit they were part of an unhealthy relationship. But seriously I did it and it became quite clear that for me, it boiled down to low self-esteem, insecurity, dreaded self-hate or sabotage.

In each of these relationships, my own inner guide or intuition told me “don’t do it, it doesn’t feel right” but then that darn emotional “I wanna be loved” voice started talking and it all seemed well romantic.

Anyways once I grasped the part of what my own inner issues were, I could see where the relationships were not right to begin with and the funny thing is I knew that the whole time. The relationships were completely built out of insecurity, anxiety, perfectionism, my own inner character flaws.

So……Drop the Resentment and Bitterness

Anyways for a while I blamed the guy because any ending relationship stings. It hurts and you get knocked down off the confidence ladder but once I determined the underlying theme of the guys, got rid of the resentments towards them and came to terms with the “It is what it is” or more so “they are who they are” of the situation (reality) and person. I found I was ok with the lessons I learned because they are lessons….life lessons that made me the stronger person I am today.

I learned that I would be just fine. I learned to always listen to my gut (intuition) and of course look at the pattern because there always is one. Yeah the guy or girl may not look the same as the last one but down deep there are similarities in thoughts, actions and themes. If you look with your inner magnifying glass it will be crystal clear at some point and that is very enlightening and helpful.

Finally if you need help in this area, please reach out to me. Sometimes it is just good to hear an impartial point of view on a situation.

Need some help, click this link to book a free 15 min recovery strategy call and let’s talk about it.

You can learn more about me on my LinkedIn profile

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