Tips to Staying Strong: Thanksgiving and Sobriety with a Tricky Family
Thanksgiving can be a special time to gather with family, but it can also be tough, especially when dealing with a family that feels a bit challenging. If you’re working on staying sober and finding it hard with a dysfunctional family during this time, you’re not alone. Here are some helpful tips and thoughts to help you stay strong and positive during Thanksgiving.
Create Your Support Squad
It’s super important to have people you trust around you during tough times. Talk to a family member or a friend who understands your situation and can support you during Thanksgiving. Having someone there for you can make a big difference.
Have a Game Plan
Before heading into the family gathering, make a plan. Think about what you’ll say if someone offers you a drink or pressures you. Having a plan in mind can help you feel more confident and prepared.
Focus on Non-Alcoholic Treats
Thanksgiving is all about the food! Fill up your plate with delicious non-alcoholic drinks and snacks. Treat yourself to some yummy mocktails or fancy sodas. When your hands are occupied with tasty treats, it’s easier to say no to alcohol.
Take Breaks When Needed
If things start feeling overwhelming, it’s totally okay to take a breather. Find a quiet spot or take a short walk to clear your mind and relax. Sometimes a few moments alone can make a big difference.
Create New Traditions
Start a new tradition that doesn’t involve alcohol. Maybe it’s playing board games, watching a favorite movie, or taking a family walk. Creating new memories without alcohol can be refreshing and fun!
Stay Positive and Kind to Yourself
Remember, you’re doing an amazing thing by staying sober. Be proud of yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself if things get tough. You’re taking care of yourself, and that’s something to celebrate.
Thanksgiving can be a mixed bag of emotions, especially with a dysfunctional family, but staying sober is an incredible achievement. Surround yourself with support, have a plan, and focus on enjoying the positive moments. You’ve got this!
Family counseling can help you reduce and stop the arguing and conflicts.
Covid has been around for a few months now with most families spending more time together. Can you say we have entered family conflict zone, yep we have.
Stress within the family has increased during this crisis which at times can cause conflicts. These arguments arise due to health concerns, financial worry, substance use increase (alcohol sales are up 234%) as well as possibly adding in job layoffs/workplace instability.
When all of these things combine within the family, it’s not a pretty picture. Effective communication breaks down, irritability increases and arguments start.
This article will give you some tips on how to reduce the likelihood of arguments and conflicts in the family as it appears that we may be spending a lot more time together in the upcoming months.
5 Tips to Reduce Arguments
Stop saying or screaming hurtful things to your loved one
When in the heat of an argument, many times people say ugly, hurtful comments. Remember the saying “hurt people, hurt people.”
When you feel hurt by something, it is best to calm yourself down first before continuing any type of discussion. Plus it is never good to hurt your loved one, ever & I know you agree.
2. Walk Away (it’s not just for kids)
We tell kids when they are angry to walk away from a fight, yet as adults we seldom do. If you find yourself getting very aggravated, walk away to calm down.
Remember to set a boundary with the other party like “I need to go calm down by myself for a few minutes before we continue this discussion. I don’t want to say something that I don’t mean.” Then take yourself out of the picture.
3. Get Calm, Cool & Collected
So before you re-engage in the conversation, you have to calm yourself down. Try to take a few deep breaths and remember we all view and cope with stress differently. Maybe this argument started for a different reason altogether.
Ever have a stupid argument at home about something like taking out the trash or putting an empty container back in the fridge, when really the main problem was something else. Yep, we all have.
But here’s a bonus about this tip as you are away from the argument trying to calm down so is the other party which gives them time to calm themselves down as well.
4. Be an Active Listener
When you are in an argument, listen to the other party. Do not sit there and think of your response because when you do that you are not listening to them at all.
Remember this is a loved one or family member who ultimately you do not want to hurt. Listen to them. They are trying to explain to you what their view of the issue is.
5. Lower Your Volume
So I want you to think back to when you were a teen. Do you remember ever being screamed at by your parents or a teacher? If you do, I bet you didn’t listen once the screaming or volume got turned up. You tuned out.
So is screaming or yelling effective in getting your point of view across to someone else. Nope not in the slightest. I guarantee the other person has tuned out and are not hearing you. Screaming or yelling will not solve any problem, in fact it escalates it.
So that was 5 tips you can use to help cope & hopefully de-escalate family conflict. Remember we are all in this together and we are all stressed out to the max.
If you find you need help with this, book your family counseling session to below to get started.
Still unsure, counseling will help. Click the link above & you can schedule a free 20 min session with me to discuss the next step in getting your family back on track and stop family dysfunction junction in its tracks.
I work with people who suffer from being addicted all sorts of things and not just drugs and alcohol. Addictions can come in the form of negative thinking, shopping too much, gambling, gaming, toxic relationships, any type of behavior that is over the top in a compulsive way.
If you are reading this, chances are you have a loved one, family member or friend who has an addiction or at the very least you suspect they are addicted to drugs or alcohol. In my work, I have noticed common misconceptions families are unaware of when it comes to addiction, which is a complicated disease that I would like to discuss on behalf of your addict or alcoholic.
They did not choose to be addicted to anything
I have never met a young child who listed a career/life goal of becoming a drug addict, alcoholic, gambler, compulsive shopper or parolee. Addiction is a brain disease not a moral failing.
Use of drugs and alcohol or even compulsions change the brain. There is tons of research and findings that prove this. If you want to learn about it, do a simple google search. There are tons of research studies. Addiction is now characterized as a brain disease and not a personal choice.
Stopping is actually quite terrifying to them
Your loved one uses drugs to “escape” their feelings. It’s ineffective of course and destructive but they have not learned healthy coping strategies for previous trauma, dysfunctional family systems or other mental health issues to put into place. Therapy can be helpful for some once the medical issues are stabilized.
Your nagging, bitching, eyerolls, sarcasm will not stop this disease.
Many addicts and alcoholics say their families and friends just don’t get it. They don’t listen and this causes an addiction to get worse. The “helpful” comments are not helpful. They increase the thoughts of self-loathing and shame.
Stop the comments/humiliation, use healthy communication or distraction to help an addict see there is a healthy way to do life. Right now, they understand that drugs/alcohol are not the healthy way, but they are lost. Haven’t you ever felt lost at some point in your life? Unsure where to go? If you answer no, you are not being truthful to yourself. We all have felt that way at some point.
They don’t like themselves
The shame of having an addiction is huge and it causes many people a lot of pain. Addicts are in a lot of emotional pain. Pain from trauma, pain from not feeling worthy, pain that they can’t stop and the list goes on. How can you help them? By showing them unconditional love, not enabling love. So when they ask for money, say no, set healthy boundaries for you and them.
You cannot dictate their rock bottom.
There is a personal growth component to recovery. If a family member keeps posting bail or helping an addict out in some way, it can alleviate the short-term pain but there will be no long-term gain. The behavior will continue.
Many say there is a rock bottom. I believe there is to some degree but it’s a personal journey and that person must discover that for themselves. Family & friends can’t “help” a person get to their rock bottom any faster than they get there. It’s frustrating and worrisome I get it. Addiction is a war on the mind, body & soul and unfortunately, we cannot stop it. The addict/alcoholic must stop it.
Maybe it takes them to sit in jail for a few days, lose their home, lose their kids temporarily but the addict has to discover what their rock bottom is personally to them and then they decide how to get back what they have lost. If they aren’t ready the addiction will continue because they haven’t got to this point of self-discovery.
Final Thoughts for Family/Friends
So to close, I hope this article helps you understand a little bit more about how the addict/alcoholic is thinking and that really there is not much you can do to stop them being addicted to drugs and alcohol. They have to take that step for themselves but you can provide emotional support along the way and encouragement that there is a way out. Hope can help fuel a recovery and the 12 step meetings prove there are many people who have overcome these issues.
If you should know an addict/alcoholic that is serious about changing their situation, please click the link to book a free 15 min recovery journey strategy call. There are many solutions to addiction that can be helpful to your family member and the family as a whole.
If you would like more info about me, please check out my LinkedIn profile
Ugh…. yes it can feel like a bear if we let it. I have never met a person who does not feel anxious from time to time and sometimes anxiety can be unrelenting if you let it.
I find that I meet many people feel crippled because of it. People that are not enjoying their lives. People that are stuck in their homes. They are calling off work, not going to school and basically spending their days miserable.
Also I like to say anxiety typically goes with depression like peanut butter and jelly. PB & J has always been one of my favs 😊 but when we look at anxiety, depression is typically there also.
People that suffer from those mental health issues many times feel like anxiety is never going to go away which increases feelings of depression. The never-ending anxiety/depression hamster wheel going around and around…. Exhausting.
Tip to Alleviate Anxiety
That is why I decided to share my one awesome tip to alleviate anxiety and will reduce feelings of depression. It may not make it go away entirely or immediately but I can pretty much guarantee with practice this skill will help you manage anxiety so it does not keep you stuck.
Also PSA I am not a psychiatrist nor do I play one on tv so this is helpful advice only and does not replace consulting with your medical or mental health provider.
Most Awesome Anxiety Reducing Tip Ever
Practice the following anxiety reducing tip and feel the freedom
The most effective tip to reduce anxiety IMHO is not Xanax or Klonopin (although these medications have proven to be helpful but I’m not a medication provider and as an addiction counselor can see how these medications can increase one’s dependency on medications – I’m more a natural approach kind of girl.
Plus some of those medications have side effects that can make you tired and who wants that) So I know you are thinking what do I do then?
It basically boils down to control. People are miserable when they try to control things that are outside of their control. Anxiety and depression for that matter can really ramp up when we try to control things that are outside of our circle of control. Also this can increase the risk of any type of relapse.
Circle of Control
So what types of things am I talking about? Other people’s behaviors, words, attitudes as well as circumstances. For example someone is rude to you, the car breaks down, the kids are sick or there are work policies/procedures that you can’t change.
When you sit and think about why you feel anxious and what
is causing it. I can pretty much
guarantee it (the worry or thought about the worry) is outside of your
control.
Ok so what is inside of your circle of control: your thoughts, behaviors, attitudes and that my friend, is the key to reducing or stopping anxiety all together.
Let go of what is outside of your control
Let’s try some examples:
Situation Example: I’m feeling anxious because I feel I am going to be late to a very important meeting. I live in Fl (land of traffic jams & oh so many red lights 😉 ). I am driving in my car and feel my anxiety creeping up in my chest.
So to manage it, I take a deep breath (a breathe in and count to 3, hold the breath for 3 and breathe out and count to 3 type and talk to myself by saying “Ok am I in control of this traffic? Can I jump over cars to get to the meeting quicker? No of course not. So I guess I will listen to my radio and realize I will get there when I get there.” Next time to alleviate any anxiety, I will plan to leave a bit earlier to account for any possible traffic jams.
Other People Example: I’m feeling anxious because when I am around Dan he makes me feel nervous. To challenge this type of anxiety with another person examine your inner thought life. People get anxious around other people when they do not feel confident in themselves.
Some of the negative thoughts I may have for this example “I’m not as good as Dan. I’m not as smart as Dan. “ To correct this thinking, here is a skill that works. Inner thought: “I’m am the best Cindy I can be. Dan puts his pants on the same way I do. He is no better than me so who cares what he thinks about me. I’m just as good as he is.”
When you examine the situation or your thoughts in this manner you take the pressure off which typically causes anxiety to decrease as well as depression. You are letting go of people’s views or situations that are outside of your control.
Letting it go
It’s all about looking at the situation or the other person logically and not emotionally. Logically can you change traffic or someone else’s thoughts…..Nope so let it go. This skill takes practice and you won’t get it all the time but with time you will see you can manage any anxiety easier and it will leave your body & mind quicker without the use of medication.
Love this quote from the Wizard of Oz ( I used to hang it on my fridge for motivation)
So comment below if you’ve tried this strategy for anxiety. How did it help? What did you do? What was the anxiety about? Also if you are struggling with anxiety or have questions about it, please comment below or email me at cdathey9@gmail.com.
Negative mindset, negative thoughts, fears, low self-esteem…. They all suck and have been clinically proven to increase feelings of depression, anxiety, anger, irritability and the so much more negative stuff. Totally and completely draining and depressing.
Are you over it? Those thoughts that your life can’t change for the better and be peaceful, happy and well just satisfying.
Well if you are…. I decided to dedicate a blog post as a sort of round up of my 5 most popular blog posts (by page views) that help you change the negative stuff into more positive stuff which in turns makes one truly happier 😊 (I’ve tried these and they work for me so my wish is they work for you too )
So those are the top 5 blog posts I have written about how to change negative mindsets to pursue a peaceful life which in turn will cause negative feelings to go away and the positive ones will enter. These posts will help you reduce feelings of depression and anxiety
So leave a comment below about which is your fav or how you go about changing a negative mindset into a positive one? Sooooo till next time…………
Gotta love family drama and fights that even occur during the holiday season
Many people struggle in their recovery from substance abuse or mental health issues during this time of the year. I am writing this article to help those who are struggling gain some more strength in their recovery and avoid or minimize the risk for a relapse.
1. Most Families are Dysfunctional (always top one on my list 🙁 )
Remember most families are dysfunctional in some manner so you have to get good at ignoring bad behaviors
Example: When someone calls you the Black Sheep of the family or say something inappropriately like “when did you get out of jail again?” while everyone is waiting on Grandma to cut the pies.
The best way to deal with this is IGNORE it. They are putting you down because they are insecure, just being rude and unhappy with their own life.
2. Play the tape out
Is one drink, blunt or illicit Xanax worth the possibility of sitting in jail???? or even giving up that hard earned sobriety or clean time. The answer is NO!!!!
You have worked really hard to get where you are so do not self-sabotage yourself. You’d be surprised how many people unfortunately cannot do this 🙁
REMINDER FOR COURT ORDERED CLIENTS: The day after a long holiday weekend is a HUGE drug testing week and yes, they do test for alcohol
3. Create an Exit Plan before you go to the event
Plan a get-away (store runner), excuse (yes, I’m ok with lying for this if it keeps you sober/clean) use the kids, head ache or gotta go check on the dog…..whatever it is, it’s all good 😊 or perhaps use that darn work is making me go in as an excuse to get a plate and take it with you 😉
4. If it’s too hard to stay clean and sober, go to a meeting
AA and NA meetings will be going 24 hours/day so check out your local club because it will be better than hanging with the family who make you feel bad about yourself or by yourself
Call your sponsor
5. Focus on Self-Care
Let’s be real sometimes the holly jolly BS can get too much, it is perfectly ok to say no to some functions if you feel it will jeopardize your recovery and do something else. That is called self-awareness and setting healthy boundaries especially if you know you will be around cousin so and so the family drug go to guy or pot head. You know the one who always has something because pretty much all families have that person.
So that rounds out my top 5 tips to minimize a potential for relapse. If you have more tips please leave them below. Also if you are struggling please reach out there is no shame in asking for help when you need it because you know what we all need that from time to time.
Relapse over a holiday is no joke. I get it and it happens many times because of not being able to handle the stress of a dysfunctional family. Unfortunately most families have a dysfunctional component of some sort…am I right? ( I know you are shaking your head….yep… 😉 don’t worry I got you)
I facilitate a few groups each week with people that are court ordered into recovery which is another type of hurdle and I created this relapse prevention list initially for them but I wanted to also share it here. It is very important to plan for a holiday event in advance to avoid a relapse.
8 Ways to Avoid a Holiday Relapse
Remember no matter what is said (the good, the bad & the ugly) don’t take it to heart – most families are dysfunctional on some level. Ignore the comments!
Be the 7-11/gas station runner! Tell grandma as soon as you get there if she needs anything (butter, ice, more marshmallows for her famous sweet potato casserole ) that you got her back and are her go to person to run to the store that way you have an escape route for a bit to get a breather away from Uncle Joe the family drunk who is always inappropriate.
If someone offers you booze, weed or an extra Xanax, refuse it. An easy way is to just say “I don’t drink.” or “I don’t smoke.” or “I’m good.” There’s nothing worse than getting arrested over a holiday because remember the Judge is home eating turkey like the rest of us and will not be in the court house for a few days.
If the stress gets too much, make an excuse after dinner and leave. You can always use the “I have a headache, I don’t feel well or I have to work tomorrow early.” It’s ok to leave a family function if it gets to be too much drama.
Can’t drive? No problem, download the UBER or Lyft app & set it up in your phone the night before. Plan ahead that way if it gets to be too much you’re ahead of the game to get a ride home fairly quickly.
Enjoy your meal! Don’t let the family drama ruin your holiday. Are the annoying relatives going to change? Probably not today so focus your thoughts on the good of the day. Who doesn’t like something on the Thanksgiving table? Pumpkin pie with cool whip 😊 Yumminess!
If you are hosting the event at your place & need to escape, take the dog for a walk or make an excuse of “the dreaded migraine” go into your room, shut the door, lay down and take some long deep breaths for a few minutes.
Finally remember a great quote by Dr. Sarah McKay “stress is caused not by what happens to you, but by your response to what happens. The great news is, you can change the way you respond.”
So that is my list of tips to help you survive that holiday get together because let’s be honest sometimes it sucks to be around family but obligation or a sweet little grandma makes us attend. Hang in there!
Also below share your recovery tips that help you avoid a relapse during a family event. I would love to hear them. Finally have a Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy that yummy dinner 🙂
I have always loved this pic…..Snoopy, Lucy, the counselor & Charlie Brown 🙂
Finding a good counselor or therapist that is right for you is paramount to helping improve your mental health. Counselors or therapists should not just work with everyone. They should specialize in a few disorders and not everything in the DSM.
For example, I help people recover from general mental health issues like stress, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and addictions. Not everything and anything listed as a mental health disorder. I help people learn coping skills that they can apply in their life to help them manage stress and circumstances that come up because guess what?… Life happens right?
Back to the topic who knows it all right? No one, and the ones that do not specialize to me are more like a primary care physician, who fixes everything. Honestly, I call my PCP, “my sore throat guy”. I typically go to him when I have random health ailments that I need fixed.
A counselor or therapist should not be like that. They should not be working on all things mental health because there is no expert on everything. Plus someone who is more specific in what they help others with will more than likely be more passionate and effective in that topic than let’s say the “jack of all trades, master of none” counselor.
The counselor/client relationship is like a smooth running engine in the fact that if you start seeing the wrong type of counselor well you won’t find the outcomes or result you are looking for, feel worse and there will be bumps along the road.
The right therapist or counselor will help you feel more empowered, stronger and able to look at the past, acknowledge and accept it and then give it a wave goodbye and progress. It’s like peanut butter and jelly, works well together 🙂
I created this post to help people discover the right counselor for themselves. Here’s what you honestly need to look for.
Don’t Just Go with Someone On Your Health Insurance Provider List
If you have health insurance a good place to start is actually on the provider list. You can call around and see who is available. You can look on websites like Psychology Today which can help you narrow the search in your area. Here’s a link to the Psychology Today website. However, remember there are great counselors who do not take insurance and there is a reason for it.
Many times, insurance companies are difficult to deal with on the counseling business side. They can be slow to reimburse the claims, and the reimbursement rates can be very low. The problem with that is that many counselors/therapists feel the need to stack more clients in their practice to compensate for the low rates. It becomes more like an assembly line of therapy of sorts and that is never effective.
So don’t just disregard the private pay type of counselors. They will more than likely be able to provide a better, more effective service if their practice is smaller in the client numbers. Also consider the fees which some are outlandishly priced. Of course, cost will depend upon your area, credentials and expertise, but just look around and compare.
Try a few out
I highly recommend this to anyone. The client/counselor relationship should feel right and if it doesn’t it is probably best to keep looking around. This is best for the counselor and client because you want the right fit.
Go with your gut when you leave the first session. Ask yourself a few questions like…. Does it feel ok? Did I like the person? Did I feel listened to and respected?
These are important questions to ask yourself because this is a trust-built relationship and if you feel like you cannot be honest with your counselor well you will not get the outcomes or end result you are looking for.
Also if you check out a different counselor, don’t fret or feel bad. Any counselor or therapist worth their weight will want you to find the right fit. And we will not be upset with you, I promise 😉 . We got in this line of work to help others (ultimate goal) and it is not about the money. If you find someone who feels the other way, it truly is time to walk away and find someone else.
Your Counselor Should Not Be Booked Out Months
If you are looking and find that a counselor is booked out months in advance that can tell you one of 2 things:
1) they must be good at what they specialize in
2) their caseload is too high.
Many counseling agencies don’t put a hold on new referrals to a caseload when honestly, they should. A counselor or therapist should not have a caseload of 100 clients it’s unrealistic to think a counselor will be able to provide quality service.
Unfortunately so true when the caseload is super high at a community agency. Props to uniqueteachingresources.com for this meme because it’s on point
I will give you a real-life example. I used to work for a community mental health agency that did just that. And to be honest by the end of that 8-hour day at session 7 to 8-ish, I was mentally exhausted and spent. I can tell you honestly I was not providing my finest, top of my game counseling. No one can.
Hello behavioral health agency people if you are reading this, be realistic, counselors are people too. Work and life are all about balance and when something is out of alignment like too high of a caseload, service is going to suffer.
If you call or find out the appointment is too far away (like 3-4 weeks), then you may want to consider looking around. When you attend the first session with a counselor/therapist you can even ask how far apart are the counseling sessions typically? If they say 3-4 weeks that is too far apart, politely pass and move on to find someone else.
Initially when someone begins counseling it is more effective to see the counselor once per week for a while. After the situation is becoming stable and you are learning coping skills to help manage the situation, the goal is to scale back the sessions to biweekly or twice a month and then after a period of time, monthly.
An effective counselor/therapist’s goal is to work themselves out of a job per se and it is not to be a lifelong commitment of sessions. As you start feeling better, learn and apply the skills discussed in the sessions, you more than likely will not need to see the counselor as often.
Ok so the key takeaways from this post are: look around and check your insurance plan but remember there are plenty of “out of network” or private pay providers, find a provider that is specific to your needs, listen to your gut about the whether the new counselor is a good fit and finally see how often you can see them. More is better at first like weekly.
So I hope this article answers some of your questions about finding the counselor or therapist for you.
I wanted to provide some general marijuana “weed” information to parents because let’s just face it, the teens are using it quite a bit and I wanted to share information that the general parent may not know.
This article will not be about “here’s marijuana and here’s what it does to your teen’s brain on drugs” or here’s marijuana this great end all cure all that you can get from the Weed Doctor down the street. I’m in Florida where the medical marijuana card is available and there is a business called the Weed Doctor here.
BTW I’m not knocking medical marijuana, there is a medicinal value in it. I see that but I think the marijuana card is being over sought for people without valid medical reasons who just want to be able to smoke marijuana all day every day. Let’s get off that soap box 😊
I want this blog post to be informational in the real world, street sense so that you, the parent can:
Identify signs that your teen is using it
Be aware of what the paraphernalia may look like
And how to manage their behaviors now before drug use gets out of control
How to Identify the Signs
Let’s face it if you are a parent of a teen or college aged child, they can be sneaky on occasion. Right? If we are brutally honest, well their behaviors typically have an underlying motive or incentive. This age group is typically all about acceptance with their peers. Hence the sneaky factor enters the picture.
I’m not sugar coating this article so if you feel that your teen would never be sneaky that is fine and please don’t be offended. However, most of the adult drug addicts and alcoholics I work with started by innocently smoking weed/marijuana with peers.
Anyways to get back to the weed info and signs they may be using it. Go with your gut. You know your child better than anyone and you know what if you pay attention to their actions and words they will be able to tell you what is going on.
Sooo if they are isolating themselves in their room or won’t say 2 words to you and this continues for a bit, you may want to touch base with them to make sure they are ok. If they are lying and being deceitful, that typically means they know what they are doing would not get your approval so they are hiding something. Be a super sleuth and figure it out. Go through their room when they are at school.
Some parents feel this is a violation of their teen’s privacy but the way I look at it is they are under your roof (your roof/your rules) as well as there is a worsening drug crisis in this country and it typically starts in the teen years so it is super important you be aware of what and who your teen is spending time with and what are exactly are they doing.
Cause for Concern May Look Like:
Anything locked is ALWAYS suspicious
Do they have Visine laying around or are asking you to buy it for them?
Are they snacking way more than usual?
Are they more sluggish than normal?
Do they vape? (many times kids are using vape pens to use THC)
The Paraphernalia
Marijuana is not the same ole’ joints that we remember from the 70’s. There are many different ways to use it and as a parent you need to know this because like I said most teens will be exposed to it at some point in middle and high school.
THC (the main ingredient in Marijuana) can show up in many forms:
Looking like a plant or bud (the 70’s looking weed)
in Oil or Wax products and form (can be added to a vape pen)
Edible products (which can be hard to detect because it will not have the unique marijuana smell)
You may find bongs, pipes, lighters, rolling papers, vape pens hidden in their room or backpack.
So now if you found something what should you do….continue to read my friend 🙂
Oh Sh*t, You Found Something
Now what?? you may ask, I searched and found something. Remember you may be angry, well you probably are angry and scared but being confrontational never works.
Think back to how you reacted when your parents or anyone for that matter accused you of something. You shut down and didn’t listen and that is true for anyone especially a teen. If you come off lecturing, they won’t hear you. Shoot if you came off lecturing to me, I wouldn’t hear you either 😉
When the situation is calm, that is when you talk to them about this. It is best to use good effective communication skills to start the conversation and pick a time when they do not appear impaired and are not angry.
You can reaffirm to them that you love them and want the best for them because honestly, what parent does not want the best for their kid? Everyone does.
Ask them if it’s a good time to talk. If not, ask when is and that it is an important matter.
If you must bend the truth and tell them you heard from some other parent that they may be using marijuana, so be it. At least it gets the conversation to marijuana without being accusatory, argumentative or judgmental.
Also account for the fact that your child may have been misinformed by social media and friends that marijuana is good for them since “it’s natural and safe, it’s not a gateway drug, they aren’t a drug addict” etc.. and the list goes on
Remember your tone of voice and body language when talking to your teen because it can make or break a conversation. If it’s an angry tone with a hand on your hip, you will get it right back from them. Concentrate on being calm, loving, kind and a good listener.
So below please list any questions about marijuana and teen use or any strategies you have used to open the lines of communication with your teen. I would love to hear them.
Has your confidence ever been down or seems to not exist lately and especially after a break up or relationship meltdown? You know you feel like you can’t do anything right and especially after an important relationship in your life comes to a crashing end where you feel like the rug has totally, completely been pulled out from under you.
Well no worries, I have a way that will help you make better decisions next time cupid rolls into town as well as eliminate the low self-esteem, inner negative self-talk and low confidence that happens after a toxic relationship has ended.
People are all human and going to make mistakes, you are, I am and even the person you trusted and thought was “the one, your everything” will make mistakes. It’s just human nature. No one is perfect and one needs to accept that fact. Sometimes relationships don’t work out for many reasons such as the other person isn’t ready for one, you aren’t ready for one or it’s just fate, you two are not good together and that is what I am calling a relationship meltdown.
Stop Living in the Past
I have learned you can’t remain in the past of the should have’s, would have’s or could have’s. It’s not healthy for you. One needs to accept the relationship ended, and if you’re reading this post it probably ended not in a good way, but the point is you need to continue to move forward.
Don’t get stuck in blaming yourself, the other person or just life in general. Life doesn’t suck, everything will be ok and it is what it is. The main point is to make sure you continue to move on, move forward even a baby step at a time but just forward and not backwards, stuck in the past.
I speak with people all the time who are stuck in the past and it’s sad…oh so sad. These people are dwelling on irrational thoughts of a failed relationship. They continue to stare at the relationship as if it was a Cinderella story when in fact it was closer to Kim and Kanye, a relationship meltdown. Yeah, a hot mess.
Use Your Inner Magnifying Glass
When examining why a relationship went bad, it is extremely important not to romanticize it and view it realistically. There were clues it wasn’t going right. Come on you saw it didn’t you? They were pretty neon bright, right? Your gut or intuition was probably telling you all along something wasn’t right. In a good relationship, you don’t have to try so hard. It should not be painful or at the very least feel like you are putting more into it than the other person.
So here’s the part how you can get your head back in the game and the way to do that is to identify the pattern. There is always a pattern. By that I mean a pattern of issues which you can see if you look closely enough at yourself. Yes, I said yourself and not the other person.
I know that blows because who wants to admit they were part of an unhealthy relationship. But seriously I did it and it became quite clear that for me, it boiled down to low self-esteem, insecurity, dreaded self-hate or sabotage.
In each of these relationships, my own inner guide or intuition told me “don’t do it, it doesn’t feel right” but then that darn emotional “I wanna be loved” voice started talking and it all seemed well romantic.
Anyways once I grasped the part of what my own inner issues were, I could see where the relationships were not right to begin with and the funny thing is I knew that the whole time. The relationships were completely built out of insecurity, anxiety, perfectionism, my own inner character flaws.
So……Drop the Resentment and Bitterness
Anyways for a while I blamed the guy because any ending relationship stings. It hurts and you get knocked down off the confidence ladder but once I determined the underlying theme of the guys, got rid of the resentments towards them and came to terms with the “It is what it is” or more so “they are who they are” of the situation (reality) and person. I found I was ok with the lessons I learned because they are lessons….life lessons that made me the stronger person I am today.
I learned that I would be just fine. I learned to always listen to my gut (intuition) and of course look at the pattern because there always is one. Yeah the guy or girl may not look the same as the last one but down deep there are similarities in thoughts, actions and themes. If you look with your inner magnifying glass it will be crystal clear at some point and that is very enlightening and helpful.
Finally if you need help in this area, please reach out to me. Sometimes it is just good to hear an impartial point of view on a situation.
